why is this such a sad world?

Recently I have learnt and discovered a lot about the world I live in, not that i have been blind to everything going around me for the last some 20 years or something, but then there are some days and moments that teach you so much as they pass by you. I think my recent months have been full of them and saying that i have not learnt anything significant out that would be the biggest lie on this planet.
The ugly truth is that each one of us hungry for love, most of us are born in a home, where mothers and relatives crave to take us up in their arms to caress us, and to touch our cheeks, or to hold our tiny fingers, we see so much love and we are brought up in a environment where we only see love around us we see how wanted we are there and we think that this is always going to be the case. most of us cant take rejections easily and then we actually grow up and move out into the world, and then the truth hits us and we learn that this is a vicious world where no one cares, everyone is bitching behind you and making fun of you for something or for some petty reason, even out of jealousy, or something, and then we are so hurt somewhere that this world is not what we had been seeing since our childhood, but still we try to change and evolve into a person whom this world would accept better and love it as their own which does not happen, and hence we are left feeling sad, lonely and miserable, it is a weird world which just doesnt let you live the way you want to. We keep on dancing on the whims of this world and this world and the people contained therein. But that leads to the question, are we happy? does this make us happy? Changing ourselves is never a good idea, whenever life sucks we always try to figure out whats wrong with the world, maybe the starting point should be that "We Suck" because we have always been made to feel like a princes or a prince at home, where every demand was entertained. Life changes and so do we have to, whether we want it or not, doesnt matter, so be prepared to change yourself if you really want to survive, you have to be fake at times, superficial, to pass a smile to someone whom you might just hate hate and hate, but then you have to do it, to live here, in this world, which would no let you live happily otherwise too, just take care of the line in between, you know the fact that we can never make everyone happy, concentrate on those who really care about you, but yes at the same time, be diplomatic and know where to pass the fake smile and you would survive through everything, that is the cardinal rule of survival.
good luck.

beliefs or something like it!

Recently many of my beliefs and notions in life have undergone a serious makeover and without me intervening in them much, I have no idea if they are for good or bad, but they are there and I cant deny them. It forces me to think that everyone keeps on trying to firgure our other people their entire life, when we know so little about themselves. Including me in that list now. I have been living in my beliefs created and directed by me and now when i sit n reflect, i somehow cant justify them, and especially when someone says them aloud then it gets more suffocating, in a hurry to understand your own feelings, you try to justify it to yourselves and convince yourself, but all in vain.
I have been wondering about these things regarding religion and caste for a long time. Though i dont call myself a devout religiously person, as I only pray to a certain god whom i really have faith in and that too when i used to fast for him on mondays. I have been doing it for over 2 years now, but i suddenly gave it up, due to many reasons, I have been trying to somehow prove that god is nearer to me when i fast for him. But is it true? Does god ask me to starve and prove my devotion? doesnt he want me to be happy and having a good meal, and then be true to myself and be pure at heart? he doesnt want me to prove it to him, how much i believe in him.
I always had questions which were never answered, is it justified to look for a rationale in everything in life ? cant something be just like what they are? and never be questioned, its the same as in the matters of heart and mind. There always have been questions haunting my mind about stuff to which i could never find answers.
Well one of my close friend whose aunt passes away because of cancer, she did not want to die, she had kids and the day she learnt she had cancer, she cried for help but..my friend was in a miserable shape, she said somethings that day that force me to think and re question myself and my faith. I have certainly blind faith in God..or that superpower that exists somewhere and we all know he does, some of us just dont acknowledge his presence. She has'nt been talking to God and she says that there is no god, maybe there is no superpower, we just believe in ourselves and when we keep on saying the prayers somewhere deep down we are re enforcing the positivity to make the thing we so dearly want a total success, that positive energy fills us with the will to do and achieve anything in the world, as the line in the Alchemist goes, when we really and truly want something, the whole universe conspires to make us achieve that. it is a beautiful line and the more and more i read it the more and more i believe in it. I dont know as yet, whether there is any superpower or not, maybe the belief in ourselves is the name of the god.when we really want something real bad we just keep on repeating it to ourselves again and again and that makes us believe in the strength of our own dreams and desires and hence we exert ourselves and thus we end up achieving what we actually want in life. it works like that. there is no god it is within us the power to create, to destroy, to lose and to achieve. She put it in such simple terms that i was surprised too. is it all that simple, can we explain the existence of god in these simple temrs. Maybe she was right. I so want to believe her but i cant. I still think that there is a superpower somewhere that is looking out for us all. I know atleast in my case it is. it always has been.
Our lives are nothing but just a simple series of fortunate and unfortunate accidents that leads us to our destinies which is already decided by someone or amybe not. And we have to reach that finishing line, and when we really want something too bad, the universe actually does conspire secretly to bring it closer to us so that we can acheive it someday. this all is true. If we can have blind faith in that power or the gaurdian angel then we can somehow learn to trust the people in the world his creations. how else would we ever trust anything or anyone without touching or seeing them. it would be so hard. Religion has no fixed definition, it is even foolish the way people have divided the world into tiny factions and they fight over it too. When no one has ever seen their Gods, a crowd of people having blind faith go on a rampage and killing innocents. It is way easier to explain the presence or the trust in that power than actually explaining this craziness in people, so i wont even try.
We have never seen God, no one has ever seen one, and everyone asks me how can they believe in something that they have never seen, touched or felt. But I think I can feel his presence around me when I am sad, and that is why i want to believe in him. Due to my crazy schedule i could not continue fasting for him, and also because I think that If i love him so much and believe in him then I should be happy and eat properly on his day. He never asked me to stay hungry to prove my devotions towards him. if my heart is pure and if I am true in the core then he will get the vibes wherever he is, or maybe nowhere at all. But this idea of a superpower looking over us and helping us in anything we want as has always happened, is just too fascinating for me and I somehow want to believe in it in all possibilities. I may not fast for him, but i can never let go of my beliefs. It is weird how some people keep on seeking the proof of his presence, how they want a evidence for everything before actually believing in something, when they themselves dont know what they are looking for. I recently paid a visit to Gurudwara in States and I was surprised and happy to see how deeply ingrained the religion was amongst 4 and 10 year old sikh kids. It was a beautiful sight to see them act like any other older sikh follower. they were so disciplined helping with the people organizing 'langar' and serving them. This is what binds them together, the principles that would remain etched somewhere in their hearts when they grow up. Religion is only a way to bring some faith into our hearts, to discipline us to some extents and to give us all an identity. a way to believe in the positive force that drives the world.
But as i said again i will not question anyone's faith here. It is about me and something i want or dont want to believe in and then i choose to keep my blind faith in him as always till the last day, and the rest of the world can keep on questioning thier own beliefs or fight over it just to act foolishly. i don't actually care.

Letting go....

I have got a lot to say, a lot on my mind,
but the words wont come out
they clog my mind till the heart chokes
tears dont come,
memories do
feel numb with confusion
feel no pain, but keep scourging deeper
dont know which way to go,
what road to tread
to avoid what's been repeated countless times
i keep on asking myself and at times to others but no one understands and no one knows...what its like..is it so easy to give up and give in, should i just go with the flow or take the harder route that my mind keeps on pushing me on to or should i just start living with it and forget the rest...tomorrow and future beyond ..would that help?
i m clueless in dark..fumbling around feeling my way out of this...feels like ..something that i cant put in words..but i think for now i should just listen to my mind and shun my heart...coz i dont know what this would be like, hurting someone mid way or wait till the very end when you can actually see everything to believe it or just read the signs and work on it before it gets worse...lose something based on the signs.what if the signs are wrong..what if the light i see is just fake...what if i am left stranded in the middle of nowhere..al by myself...i dont know..anything...but for now..i should let go...let go...
random thoughts ..maybe i m thinking aloud..just like that..after having a overflow of emotions due to some random emotional flick...whatever it is...i just wrote it...bcoz i felt like it...

Failures...

So finally I have some free time to actually sit down and write something..today I am not too sleepy or tired...and then I have time to actually look out of my window and appreciate the trickling rain drops from the leaves of the trees and the green grass...spring has gone and summer is supposed to have come..but i never had the time to enjoy the spring..life seems to have gone fast forward but then season seemed to have paused so that i could still look at the pretty sights that the nature has to offer. I was working on an experiment and it did not work and i pushed myself out of my bed today on a saturday to go and check out my result and further it...but it didnt work, it dint work but i the back of my mind I was happy as i had gotten my weekend free...to chillax...I am learning very important lessons of my life..and that is to accept failures and then start to look at the glass half full and not half empty..I have always had thi failure phobe..i used to have dreams that I have failed an exam and that would be so tormenting for me but i think once you learn to take failures your life becomes so much easier, you cna learn to laugh them off and just wave them away...i had never thought about this before...but after i joined this lab i realized that there is more to life than being the number one in everything..there is so much more...the society will always lay pressure on you to be the next einstein or even beat eintein but then you dont have to always work according to them...we have to decide and look for our priorities and then understand that winning is not everything..i have met so many people here who talk about their failures wihtout any shame or remorse and then they always rose above that and laughed at it...that makes me feel somehow that how immature I am and maybe my priorities in life were effed. But i think i know why I am the way I am...having grown up in a male dominated society...as everyone else..i somehow always saw the pity in others eyes for bieng a girl...a world where women most often would abort their girl child...it is a sorry state but then it was the truth of my life..and somehow i took the beacon to atleast be the best in what i do so that i can prove something to this sneering world..to make my folks really proud of me one day....and they are..but then i have grown so used to this feeling of making it the best always that i cant let go of this, and that was the reaosn why i couldnt take failure...but now i have started to look beyond and i know that every failure is teacing me something...in some way..and that is good enough for now..all i have to say that at some point in life we always think that if somehow we can get that..then I would be so damn happy and qwould never look beyond that but then it seems that the thing keeps on evading you...you lose all the hope and the anticipation and then one day slowly that thing will come and sit on your shoulder like a butterfly just that the feeling in your heart is gonna be different...and you might not feel the same way as you thought as you would but it is so numb...it is always like that for everyone i guess but then we must for sure realize that nothing in this world is so awesome that you die to get it..because then you are losing on today hoping for tomorrow and if it is meant for you then you would definitely get it...in time..or esle its never meant for you.
i m glad to be learning a few crucial lessons in my life now that i will always remember..thanx to many people and many sticky situations and many failed experiments...recently...

Saying goodbye....

Sometimes you feel such a void when someone has left..the silence is eerie and gets intolerable too after a while..How important it is to have good friends and companionship, i realized that only after I came here...all by myself. unaware of anything that went on here...far away from home, family, friends and the people i loved...it was hard...but I was getting the independence i always wanted..to be on my own to have my own experiences. While going for my roomies here, i did not give any priorities and i wanted to take whatever comes my way, without any prejudice. After 10 months, I am so glad about my decision then, it couldnt have been better. I know I was one of those lucky ones who got such supportive and caring roomies. They were all senior to me, yes i was pampered and loved and also bossed around..at times. which i tried to take in stride. They were like my own sister and they held my hand and taught me the new ways of life, which i was apprehensive but excited to learn about. They taught me new stuff..about the lifestyle, people, cuisines...and life in general. It has been so great all throughout and i never realized that 10 months had gone by.
Whenever I needed someone to tell my days exciting events or about the stupid casanovas they were always around to lend me their ears and their advice too on how to deal with them. When I had to go early for class or lab they were my alarm clock and my morning coffee when i studied early morning for my exams, they made my wake up coffee for me...they were my source of encouragement when I was down or worried about my exams and studies and deadlines. They never let me go to bed empty stomach, being the lazy bum I am (only for cooking) I could never manage my work and life so as to find time for cooking esp and ended up having cereal and bread at night too for dinner, but they were always there with some nice hot veggie food. they took care where I was if i was too late at work or at a party and they got all worried about me, they always came in to ask me wehn i had a 'do not disturb' sign on my door. they were always there for me and then i grew up and started to know the ways of life here in a new place..which started to seem more friendly to me. Being from different countries and speaking a different tongue never brought any kind of barriers between us. we could read each others feelings. we joked and laughed and at times bitched too about some of our common enemies, discussed issues..had our fun time....they have been taking care of me here like their own and they touched me with their kindness and concern. I would have been so lost without them, and today one of them moved out and the other one would be gone soon. I dont know if I would be fine then..or not but one thing that i know about is that I am going to miss them like hell. it is a painful process to see someone wrap up and packup for finally leaving....there is a strange silence in this apartment today...and i already hate it...
I know it is hard to say goodbye and one more thing that i know is that if you find people in your life who could bring tears in your eyes and a shadow on your heart when they leave..and if you feel it is hard to bid goodbye..then you have achieved something..i dont know if they would ever read this post..but D and N I am going to miss you guys...you have touched my heart and my life with all your loving and caring gestures and I would love to hear from you again....hope you dont forget me.... :)
take care...good luck...and remember it is not a good bye after all..

Do I need that?

The other day I was thinking about my buying habits. okay okay...so this wasnt the case entirely. I was actually so damn tempted to buy this thing online and I was trying to hold back. I have been going to get my weekly or maybe fortnightly groceries and then I am so tempted by the stupid things which make no sense in any way at all to be bought and then I go to buy yoghurt and then the check out lady gives me a heart attack by telling me that my sum total is 100 bucks (mind you in dollars) and I just keep on wodering where did i spend all that money..I am aweful at handling my expenses, even before you say it, I eve tried to leave my wallet at home so that i dont buy stuff that i dont need, but that also dint help, reason being, I ask my flatmates to buy the stuff for me so that i can pay them back and the situation remained just as worse and nothing improved, the only thing that actually changed was my checkbook's pages and my atm statements, thats it. so the thing was that nothing improved and the hole in my pocket kept on getting bigger and bigger. So finally i started minimizing my errands to the shopping malls, but then I am a human bing after all and i need to get stuff for my survival. Trust me, half of the time I shop with my flatmate, who is even a worse case than me, I know it is harder to beleive, but yes she is, she keeps on buying stuff and that goes continously being pushed back into the backened of her fridge and the freezer and the only time she is actually reminded of them is when it has gone bad and it starts to stink or maybe develop some microbial growth, by the way while I am on this topic, let me tell you that apart from the dull blue green fungus, there is another species of fungus, of pink and purple color, I dint know tis befire coming here. And when I told my cousin about this thing, he told me that there is another kind of fungus prevalent which is purple in color and it is found in Europe, and he beleives that the fungus is maybe GAY. well, this topic is kinda censored so lets stop this gross discussion. eugh...
anyways..watch what you eat...Indian fungus needs more colors.for sure..
so the thing was that half of the shopping time, I and my flatmate ended up draggin each other form the aisle, where there was all the un needed, useless stuff in the world.
So after all the options I tried, I tried the last option and guess what i tried was finally this...it was no big measure, but just a simple technique and it was a small question, "Do I need this?" and then I thought of all the possible sceanarios where I could or couldnt need the stuff and then i weighed the options ( think how smart I am! :) )and finally I decided whether I should or not buy it. trust me this works big time, as ever since I have stopped myself from buying :
a new apple ipod (when I have an ipod shuffle, a sony discman and a sansa player)
a wireless mouse
a set of speakers, (when I have the stereo bluetooth headphones, bought an year ago)
A new set of cushions for my bed
another lamp (not needed at all, I have one already)
a video cam (my cam already have a brillaint video cam)
a new set of snuggies
a new set of glares
etc etc...
the list is endless...
anyways this works and it has prevented many a tragedies with my wallet and credit card. and it is smiling right now. So you can imagine that everything is going great. so the message is loud and clear, please ask youself this question before youa ctually buy something and this is coming from a very experienced shopaholic (again proves how wise I am ) so this post goes to a higher level I think, concerning the maturity level and a better understanding for my psyche that deals with my shopping needs.
have fun shoppping till the next post.
cheers...

LIFE and DEATH

a very interesting and apt representation of the two most mystical phenomenon known to human kind...and that is Life and Death.

ODE TO 'NICE GUYS'

This is a very interesting RANT..as in an ode to nice guys that I stumbled online..I found it interesting and painstakingly true in more ways than one and I thought that it was a much better idea to share it with everyone, coz I know that there are hundreds of guys in the world who would easily relate to this post...I know it trashes girls in every way but then truth is a truth..no matter what...
Check it out..and If the 'nice guys' out there have something to add, they must go ahead with it
Ode to the Nice Guys
This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

My take on Blah Blah Blah...

O Man! I again and again say this..that I am not a cook and not in any sense will ever be...I actually don't believe I started this post with the phrase 'O Man'..I mean it doesn't really mean that only Men can read it. If you are a girl by any chance and have started reading it this stupid meaningless and nonsensical post then go ahead because in either case this post doesn't make any sense. I think that I am slowly coming under the influence of the phrase O man!, hey Man!, hey dude!, holy cow, o boy! etc etc etc...well i used to use them before too but the frequency has just tripled or maybe quadrapled up since past some 7 months...I am afraid that when I go back to India this time, I am going to shock my padosi waale uncle by greeting him with..'Hey Old man wassup?' it is not funny at all but i still kinda want to see my Mom's expression...ye Indian moms have a great tendency of tokofying you in front of everyone and anyone...even if you grow up to be 40..it doesn't imply that I am 40, but at the rate things are going, I dont think my mom is ever gonna change her habit anytime sooner and as Sally of 'When Harry met sally' fame said, someday I am gonna be 40, it is out there sitting for me'...anyways so the point here is that I was video chatting with one of my sister in law and she is pretty much my age so I didn't see a point of saying 'namaste' and all, so I said, hey bhabhi! how are you...and my mum who was also there, and I didn't realize, immediately said...'namaste nai hoti hai bhabhi se?' and even though I was on a video chat I felt like a 5 year old again and went pink...what a starting to a nice relationship with my sister in law..in other words, 'mummy ne dho daala', and for those who dont know what this phrase means, then please I would rather suggest that you go back to basics and check out the typical Mumbaiyaa type of language....bcoz i picked it from somewhere i dont really remember. well I am prety sure if my sis read this post, her first comment would be, "your language is going to gutters"
I mean even my mum comes online these days and says 'hey..sup? everything cool?'
initially i was shocked but now i m getting used to it bcoz she picked this language from us itself..wow smart mom.isnt she? i coiuldnt be prouder ...
By the way I have some amazing theroies abound from some of my family members...some are just in the hypothesis stage but someday they will be published stories no doubt about that...
well sample this, once my sis had a aweful tooth ache right in the middle of night and she had nothing..no pain killers and no clove oil of course...so she had to bear it anyways...but right that moment a brilliant idea stuck her..which could have even embarassed and shocked Newton out of his wits, trust me..so she thought that if she supplied something to eat for the bacteria hammering and pounding and eventually infesting on her tooth, then she might be able to distract the pathogen and it might leave her tooth alone and rather infest on something better and soft and some fresh food so she ate some cookies and bingo! it worked...I am not kidding dude...it did work...even the pathogen is confused how it fell for the trap...

sample theory 2: Well like every wife my mum still at times.... (read most of the times) complains about my dad's habits..which she hates but hasnt given up on complaining till date...amazing patience...i have to admit...anyways so whenever my mum opens her complaint register, my dad suddenly loses his power of hearing and then he gave me an idea..why doesnt anyone create a filter for the ears, so that the unwanted things do no enter the ears and then the brain and should be filtered out, in that case we would be saving ourselves so much of brain, and stress and energy required to process that useless info. not a bad idea...are any engineers listening...well in that case, I am an engineer too did I tell you guys...but now I am going to be amazing combo and I love proteins so maybe i could screw up the proteins in the brains (read enzymes, and those out of field read blank bcoz anyways u wont get it, no offence) so we could actually filter some useless info...
anyways as I havent invented anything of that sort till date so you could do a better job by skipping this useless post and save your energy if you have any by the end of this post and also some of your brain, if you have any..at all..that was so rude....i know...but still no offence :)

P.S. I guess the number of mispelled words actually went down with this post, but my friends who think they are still bad, i think I am going to write posts and make it available to public for further editing, bcoz i have a very bad habit of not reading my posts once I am done..same as I used to do with my essays till 12th grade, they were so long anyways that forget my poor teachers, I would also not dare to re read the manuscript once done...but I think I make such mistakes due to typing, otherwise my spellings arent that bad....I know I have a come a long way from grade 1 where I used to spell no one as 'noone' and put puctuation marks like commaand full stops in the begining of the fresh line if there was no space in the above one.
something like...
I am citizen of India
, which is a great country..blah blah blah..
now you must be wondering how can anyone do that, but trust me I did it when I was a kid and ask my sis she will ratify it immediately in blood (read ketchup) bcoz she was so embarassed when my teacher pointed it out to her..."N I dont believe she is your sister, i mean look at your english(read top grades) and look at hers (read not bottom but buried grades, somewhere underground..)..it is unbelievable...My sis also threatened to disown me infront of whole school if i didnt improve...Anyways blogs arent the exact place to practice your grammar, they are for whatever BSing you want to do....and it sabout random thoughts..i fele if I start editing my posts then I would be bored to death reading them and they would sound so formal and all...but still I should try to be a little careful with what I post online....even if I am the only one reading it. Ten years down the lane my kids would find it somehow and then they would point it out to me and their friends.. "see my mommy sucked in her spellings, how can she ask us to spell 'indivisual' as 'individual'?
How insightful and foresightful...well the second one(foresightful) is not a word...let me tell you before you start doubting your own vocab skills, but it kinda sounds right to me...so before that day comes actually I should get better with my typing errors...and form my next post I will...why the hell this google blog doesnt have a auto spell correct tool..beats me to think of it...
anyways..the point is that ignore my spellings if you can, unlike my first grade English teacher and I would be more than happy... :) (See i am already beaming... )

Observations...I guess that goes well..not really sure..

I hate to give my posts specific titles..not because I don't know what I am writing, but because, I write about such a variety of stuff in just one post and digress like crazy..so I don't really know that by the end what my post should be actually called...anyways...read this..maybe you'd know...
So I would again say what I haven't said before. NYC is an amazing place. Definitely the most happening in its own way and it stands out..not just because of the tall sky scrapers and the buildings which are so tall that even if your walking at the slowest of speeds you wont really get to the topmost storey of it, as you would be shoved around by the crowd of people walking around, hurrying to reach their destinations. I never quite understand where everyone is hurrying to? is the world coming to an end? is everyone there so short of time, to put it frankly, i at times feel embarrassed for wandering and at worse loitering there in the streets with freinds for no reason, except for kiling time...or more aptly for looking for some nice place to eat. Nevertheless, I love the place, more for the reason, that I see so much of diversity there. I walk the streets and I keep out on looking for the different people, walking around me. so similar but yet so different. I have somehow always admitted to the fact that God is the most creative person present, though we barely know what he looks like.
For once picture this, everyone has the facial features right in the same places, or same locus on the faces but yet we all look so different. I mean we all have a forehead followed by eyes, cheekbones, nose, chin, but we all still look so unique and different. I have a weird habit of wathcin people, as they move around me. By observing them I keep thinking, where they come from, where they might be going? whose the person walking next to them? are they happy? do their eyes look sad? are they a victim of vanity, are they rich or just making ends meet? kids, old people, lovers...every face has a story for me...every set of eyes says something to me...or atleast i feel that way. I look at the people in fine woollens, all laughing holding huge macy's bags and carrying the most prized collection of bags...and then I saw this man, lying in the corner of the same sidewalk, all cold, and maybe asleep or maybe dead..no one looked...no one cared....the paradox shocks me and pains your heart too. maybe he has problems that he cant deal with..maybe someone is waiting for him at home....who can really say...i cant't even i look at him, feel bad and then get lost in my world or maybe the next couple I see there holding hands, looking happy...or maybe the old couple that looked so happy and contended...the way you look when you hear your son/daughter is coming back home after a long time....their faces radiant with the glow that radiates from their heart...the paradox shocks me..I at times can feel the emotions...drifting in the air...sometimes caught by a hand that cares and a heart that loves, but most times jst flowing by uncared...
I see the guy walking in an armani suit, with the most expensive of phones and way too busy to look around either to appreciate the beauty or to spare a thought for the pain and suffering, right after him I see the old hag, scurrying to her home, with the worried eyes, thinking about herself and people like her...trying to make ends meet.....I see the business guy...late for some important meeting and then a school girl...heading to her home..holding tightly her little brother.s hand..not to lose him in the crowd...everyone is busy...too busy to look, too busy to care....too busy to spare a thought....a mother with her son...people standing dressed up as artists and statue of liberty in that chilly wind..to smile with everyone...to earn up some good money to buy their sons and daughters a nice warm scarf or coat....and the guy selling the sausages in that brutal cold....they are like these flowers...which are standing tall in the bright and always alive Times square, but even though they got lucky enough to stay there forever, they are not even looked at...no one cares about them, they all ignore thme to see the bright and lit up Times square...a life wasted....and worst the pollution from carbs and expensive mercs killing them slowly...with the tall buildings around condescendingly telling them each day..how worthless their lives are and how uncared their beauty is...
Once my friend had told me that she hated to see off people or pick them up from stations and airports...i never fully understood why...because...as a person, I love to sit there and feel the hustle bustle around me..both the places...are so full of emotions and feelings that you can actually feel them in the air around you...when people leave..the sadness, when people meet..their happiness..the joy of hugging your loved one...to see them come back safe and sound...little kids..playing around..so oblivious of anyone departing or coming in...but busy with their own lives...to care a damn....it is so beautiful....like a barrel overflowing with emotions...a mesh..of feelings....feel it sometime...try to look at the eyes of people..to read their stories...to relate to their lives, even if just for few moments....it is an out of the world feeling...incomparable to anything....everyone has the capability to feel their own heart..but try to read someone eyes whom you just dont know at all..if u have the heart...you will know what I am trying to say...but in the meantime...I will continue with my life....happy obeserving... :)

just me and my dreams....I seriously miss you maa and pa

I was trying to sleep peacefully and then I woke up startled...calling out 'mummy'...and when I opened my eyes to look around..my mum was not there...this is the second time in the past half year when I was actually woken up by my own voice calling out to my maa....i was disturbed after that dream...too disturbed..i hate to sleep...these days...in a way i like it because dreams are the only place that know no boundaries and take me near my family but they are so fragile and delicate and when they break..and i open my eyes..i feel more lonely that ever....
i always wanted to be on my own and i always wanted to be brave and strong..when I came here I was happy.because I had no one to help me in everything not my family or my elder cousin who has always been around me like a protective covering keeping me safe and pampered and protected I was happy to have finally become independent in the truest sense..to loose the tag of 'Baby' which was like my nickname for past...some 20 years..even if I grew up..but I was overprotected and I sometimes wanted to have my own experiences in this big bad evil world and see it for myself...not to take favors form anyone around..to finally feel what its like being grown up....I had made up my mind and one reason why I didn't go back home in the winter vacations was because I want to make myself strong..emotionally ...not to miss my family so much..not to crave for my home that frequently..but after spending the longest time away from my family..my life I have realized that I am not strong and what I always perceived as to be brave and strong...away from your family..was not actually Brave...either a person can be emotionally dry or b like me..it hurts at times to be miles away from your folks.....i dont tell anyone around me because I dont want to sound weak...i keep it to my lonely self and never express it but the fact is that sometimes even the video chatting doesnt help....you feel so drained. lonely and weak without your folks...and I know I would get bored even if i stayed for a month at home with nohting to do..but at the moment I crave for their one hug, one pat on my back, to sit with them in the evening while they have their work discussions and I feel so bored....their one kiss...i miss the way my mum used to wake me up...the way my dad used to feel proud of me and always say that.infront of others.....i miss the time when i used to play radiocity at blaring volumes every morning and the way my dad and me used to fight over the remote control to lower the volume....i miss them..i miss the way i teased my sis...and drove her crazy..i crave for my mums food....the way when i used to be so tired and she used to make me eat before going to bed no matter what..the way she used to get angry when i bought skimmed milk for myself....as compared to full cream load...the way she used to keep complaining about my eating habits..the way my sister used to kick me out of the kitchen while cooking so I dint mess around....the way i used to book the idiot box to watch roadies every sat. when my dad had the urgent need to watch news....i miss them...i miss my home...i crave for their love which cant somehow reach me....it is too far off...they miss me too i know...lately my dad has started saying 'miss you my son'..which is something he has never done...
everyday when i cross the road...here ....I wonder what if a speeding car comes and hits me and i never open my eyes...what if i never get to see my folks again before i die? what if i never get to say goodbye....that is the last wish of mine to be near my family when i leave finally....i wonder this is such a small life and we all are scattered in the four directions....we would never get to spend the time together...as we all used to....life is short and i dont have any right to complain...I achieved what i always wanted but is this all..there is everything here but then it all comes at a very huge price..and that is loneliness..i feel envious of the people i see at the stores here...people with their families...kid with their mum and dads..holding their hand...feeling the eternal bliss which even they arent aware of at the moment....everyone is so lonely here..in the past half an year..i have heard this word zillions of times....form everyone her who is away form his/her family....everyone is lonely..there is no life here...and that is so true....i want my family too..they are my strength..and without my strength how can i go ahead....i 'might not be 'brave' in my terms but i dont want to be one..now..without our loved ones you cant be brave...because they are the strength that you show on your face..they are the daring that resides in your heart...and if they are not close then form where is that daring gonna come from? it is ironic...i see people here..they are emotionally dry...most of them....and they are the ones who never miss their folks...but i dont want to be emotionally dead...towards my folks and family...they are the ones who cultivated the emotions in me..they are the ones who taught me to love....they are the my biggest teachers..who taught me what unconditional love is...i m sorry but i can never be brave...i m like this...and i will always remain like this but in a way i m proud of myself and my emotions...you might call me an emotional fool but i dont care....who knows where god is and when he created you..I have never seen him but i have seen the two most beautiful people in this world...the people who held me when I was a helpless crying baby...definitely know the two people who brought me into this world..showed me the way of life..always held my hand and guided me int he right direction...and they are my true creators in every sense....people tend to forget this but I am glad that even after so many years of spending my life..i still have my faith and my love for them....
I miss you mum and dad and di...I dont say that to you..because i dont want you to be worried about me....but I really miss you....i cant wait to get back home...and hug you...to feel your love..to be under your protection....to see the glow in your eyes when you see me....to touch your warm hands..to have the worlds best food...to just feel the comfort of being near you...away from all the worries of this big bad world...mum..this world is a big bad place and there is no one like you and dad here to take care of me....no one here has the eyes that say everything and make you feel so much better on your worst days without actually saying a word..no one has the shoulder or rather a lap where i can cry my heart out and say everything i want to....no one cares maa...i miss you and dad everyday and every moment that I am away from you....but i m learning to be strong maa..and will be...a brave son of my dad one day...
lots of love....
your 'son'

Damn Fire alarm.... :(

Now today was the worst start one could possibly imagine for a sunday...one very very bad thing about staying on campus is that they have damn sensitive fire alarms in the buildings and the apartments...and they are so shrill and loud that they can infact wake up the dead then we are very much alive and kicking. But the point that inrigues me to no end is that who the hell was up in the grad housing at 9:30 on sunday to cook...or mayeb they were poor things like me who were trying to make some coffee, eggs and cereal..but then what could possibly burn so bad that it triggered the fire alarm..I literally fell out of my bed and i was cursing my cell' alarm not quite understanding how come it became so shrill and loud overnight....and that too without my due permission as I dont even bother to set alarm for sundays anymore...and then I realized that it was the fire alarm and i started to walk out n then i realized i wasnt wearing anything warm as it was 2 deg cel outside. so i came back to grab my jacket, keys, cell...now if you ask me why i picked up my cellphone and not the wallet with my debit card...then i dont have any logical answer for that....as my damaged head is still sleepy...well i knocked on my flatmates door because they penalize you if the fire alarm is off and you are still in...i mean this is ridiculous..what if someone plans to die...its their choice isnt it...
Now people hav weird reactions in case of such emergencies....
well for me...the first time this happened I was confused what to take along with me...my wallet? cell? passprt? my original degrees and academic credntials? my ipod? my laptop?
well i ended up takin my passpart and nuthing else..
My flatmate was worried about her marriage certificate the original copy....so she left her passprt and took her certificate...
her comments on todays fiasco was..."it is rude to wake up grad students so early(9:30 a.m.) on a sunday morning..." and my chakku and mutthu must be all confused and might be dying because of the noise...lemme tell you chakku and mutthu are her beta fishes..who would be provided with ear plugs from now on.
and my third flatmate...only curses her way out of her sleep to downstairs....nothing much....I ususlly dont curse because I always have this fear in my mind that next time it could be easily me...at the rate I have been burning food....and then I have to open widnows and fan the fire sensor in the living room standing on that couch....
and as they say what goes around comes around..i hope these culprits treat me the same...too..last time it was 1 in the morning when the alarm went off...
my flatmates are so scared to leave me alone when I am cooking...and they make sure that I either I have a rope or a saree to climb down from the window in case of an extreme fire... but I havent burnt anything till now...hopefully I wont do it in near future....but one thing i appreciate about all this is the sincerity and the prompt response of the cops and the security personnel. They are here in less than five minutes after the defeaning alarm..do i need to say that had it been in India, the building would have probably burnt down before the cops even pick up thier ringing phone....
anyways the good thing about all this fire alarm going off today is that I woke up early and had lots of time to waste....oops to do something constructive like readins, cooking et al. but due to some reasons I couldnt cook so I am thiking to attack my flatmates food ..which they asked me to take freely.... :)
bless them...

Beautiful Love....Pain.and..Unrequited love....

I am listening to the song 'reason, by Hoobastank and it makes me wonder about perfect person theory we use so frequently in our daily life.....it is a beautiful track provided you really ignore the video..which couldn't be more unrelated....
I dont know what they say when they say love is blind but I do know that being in love must be the best feeling on this earth...it helps you meet yourself..to know yourself better, to think for a change, to recognize your true self as we never know how capable we are of giving out love for anyone till you meet your mr/ms perfect...it must be a great feeling..with stars in your eyes and dreams in the daytime...waiting up for someone..just so that you could fight with him when he comes late and then try to show your anger at him....that you are so damn angry but somewhere you are not and you were so sick worrying about what might have caused the delay....looking into his eyes and then looking for some love for yourself when they might be overflowing with feelings for you.....people always say that it is so hard to judge people in this world....even by looking at their faces and but think for a sec ..is it? well i think it is not hard to see the love in someone eyes that is just meant for you....i have never been in true love kinda thing but people say as if i have been married a thousand times..to understand the subtleties of human nature, and the implications of love and liking...but i always wonder..how can you not see someone looking at you across the room....spotting you everywhere you go and trying to look innocent if you caught them staring....is it that hard to just listen to their thoughts even across the most crowded room ever...where the noise is deafening your soul and ears too.....love has to be beautiful...fighting with someone for every little thing and argue every day atleast once..to make sure you get to listen to him...even if just to gauge his mood....there can be nothing...like being able to spend your entire life with someone whom you love and about whom you would really care ..but how many people get it that way?
One of my American friend C had an affair for 6 years with and Indian girl and then the girl got married to someone else due to parental pressure....i cant even understand how hurt he must have been....
i dont know when people say that love is not about having each other in the end but it is complete in itself if it is expressed once....in the true and genuine way to each other...is that so...It forces me to think...is that possible if you really someone and commit your life to another..would you be able to forget your past love..your life...isnt it cheating in a silent way....wont your heart ever cry for your past flame...wont you ever wonder that how different your life would eb had you been still together....
hearts break and life jeopardize but life goes on unnoticed and unruffled...no one is perfect...not me not you...no one but then why do we always keep looking for the perfect on? love isnt a deer for whom you go hunting but it is something that happens to you...like life...my friends in grad school always keep on telling me about their love life, break ups..and how lonely they are here..how they want to find someone for them..someone who is nice and caring and would be there to depend on in any and every situation...I know it gets lonely here..far from home and from family and surrounded with stress but I still think that hunting for love is not going to help either..live for today...and if you are meant to be in it you will find him/her by default without any efforts....love is wonderful no wonder why everyone wants to fall in it...but i think love is definitely complete if your loved one is happy and gets what he/she wants...even if its not you..but the grudge would never die and the hurt would never fade....but then there are some who are worse off ...they dont really have the right even to love....think about them....if you understand why i say this then its ok..if not then I cant expatiate....but my heart cries out to them....they have no option than to wait for the destiny to come as their savior....

Maybe the title should read Teaching as an experience..but there is much more to it that you will realize when you actually read ...

It is a surprising but I have mostly fumbled on the new things in my life that turned out to be so very interesting for me..that I love them and never want to give up...we all just fumble on everything in life...love, life, dreams, people, friends and a lot of things...
well I finally started to teach this semester and trust me the first day and that was last tuesday...I was so so nervous, tense and clueless..I even thought if the prospects of running away...after considering the options like a severe snow storm..but I would never know how severe is actually sever for these people...because when I think it is severe they never close down the campus ..not even today...there was a slush and it sucked...I was so scared to step out afraid of slipping on the ice...somewhere and since morning I have heard from two of my friends their painful stories of slipping on ice and it wasnt actually very pleasant..my parents have been paranoid even since I told them that i actually went to play in snow..but then snow and ice are really different...man snowfall isnt actually that great as I thought it to be.... anyways that apart.....I was so nervous and then everyone in my dept. had actually been so bugged with my questions that they decided to ban me form their labs and few started tearing their hair out....now this is called horrible exaggeration..actually they all were really sweet and they helped me a lot to soothe me and make m feel good bout it...and they all wished me as if I was actually going on a war....but then I had to face the class and I reached there early..that is my way of relaxing my tensed nerves..before any frantic situation and then I walked around ...but when the kids came in..though they looked frivolous..that word is synonymous with the undergrads here.....girls all set...made up like dolls...man..i never even remember to put on a lipstick ever in my life and there they were all dolled up like pin up poster girls...and the guys were all set as if for a date....but the pink boots of the girls and their nailpaints with patterns were the ones that actually made even my fingers blush....anyways I was nervous and all but to look at them was even worse..they looked at me with kinda mixed feelings of sorry, pity and scrutinizing gazes....thinking of the TA as a poor chap stuck with wrong career choice...tch tch..i could literally hear that tch tch part....apart from that I was sure that they were nervous too....some maybe hating me already and cursing me....but it was fun to teach and I was actually interactive with the class...and I take pride in it because I faced a pack of undergrads who were themselves afraid of me....and cudnt hide it....I am glad that I taught in my life so now I know that some day I could make a teacher..i dont know good or bad...but yes a teacher or a professor someday...without trying I could have never known that I could actually teach....not after the encouragement i received from my little cousin whom i taught english and maths and who ran away from me..jst after the second class and I had to literally bribe him to come back and also to say nice things in my teaching evaluation.....though he dint seem very pleased about it alll...but anyways...it is interesting to watch the kids as they behave in the class..some are so quite and like to be by themselves...some dont talk at all but they score the best ..some people are friendly and they try to know you..at times to the point of hitting on you....which is rather amusing..seeing the kids hitting on their TA's maybe in hope of getting good scores...or whatever....some always pass smiles to you..and others are just so excited to be in the class and have so many questions in their little curious brains..it is interesting to watch them....I have always been the type of a person who enjoys observing people..there is so much diversity in this world and everyone is so unique....and noticing them is kinda nice..it makes you wonder about a lot of things....pain, happiness, content, frustration..everyone has their feelings written all over their face, eyes, body language and it is interesting to observe the nuances of human behavior....
Maybe I will talk about it some other time..this time all I want to say is that one should always be ready to try new things in life because you never know what could be the best thing for you....and what you might be good at?
try out everything you want to before you pass out of time...and at worse life ....well i too have my list all set...and I will make sure that I cross out everything on it till I have time...so have new experiences and have fun..till next time...

some serious random crap.....

People and perceptions change with time....and I have seen it in my case...it is so surprising but I always hear people say I know myself so well...but to tel you the truth I still wake up in the mornings rubbing my eyes and then I do things during my day...that surprise me and then I THINK..oH my i have spent sucha huge chunk of my life without knowing that I was actually capable of doing this too...its funny and at times scary..funny because I feel sorry for people who say that they know themselves so very well and scary because I think that if this took me such a long time to discover then maybe there are going to be many things that I will not even realize before leaving this world..what a waste not to know wyourself ....what a waste of god's sincere creations..well the word sincere can be used for all....god put ina lot of hard work and lov ein creating each one so unique...and we never realize and waste it, after coming here I realized that I could actually cook without burning food..and that too cook really well..the one thing I have been running away from whole of my life...I still hate it and virtually live on cereals....god bless the creator of cereals and that too cereals in a place like states where even band aids has a 5 feet tall and 10 feet long racks in stores to pick up a simple band aid..well i think too many choices have started driving me crazy....you could spend your entire life in a store and will never be done....but in case of cereals I am happy....I have some 10 packs of cereals as a back p in my closet. best and the easiest to amke and to digest as well...no hassle and you really dont haev to worry about dishes....but in worst case sceanarios I can spare cereals and survive on some real food..I know now....
man i wonder the way i digress from my topic...well then I also reaized that I actually like teaching I am taking a class this semester for the Undergrads and it is so much fun.
Well I have to write a seperate blog for that one because that was a unique experience for me...
anyways...the thing is that after landing here my perceptions have changed about a lot many things....
earlier I used to look up in the sky at the planes and wave to them as a kid and I always thought that one day I will fly to states..jee haan..hard to beleive but I dont know I always had this gut feeling of coming here ever since I saw the disneyland of California and Florida on the disney hour...initially it was a stupid desire of a innocent kid...but then it turned into a passionate aim for my life to study here....and I am glad that I succeeded in acheiving it by god's grace n lots of hard work....but now I look up at the planes flying in the sky and I feel angry at that peice of flying metal...I somehow blame it for bringing me so far from my home and mom and dad....
It sounds stupid to begin with but when you stay so far you kinda start blaming every thing around you at times....its not so easy to stay so far from our family....and I miss them too...most of the time...and some days are even worse....as i like to put it..all days are bad but some days are just worse than the rest.

some harsh facts...

'Do beautiful people or maybe the attractive ones have it very easy in this world..'
but why?
in a recent audition of a reality show one of the judges said that it is absolutely fair for girls to manipulate guys at times..because guys already have so much of a say esp in a country like India. Does that make any sense..to me it does somewhat..maybe sometimes because it is a easy theory to accept and move ahead..and an easy and comfortable statement to admit too. I cant really say. Many a times I have thought about this fact whether attractive people have it always easy into everything in this world...what if the girl is just another normal girl ....then would the behavior of everyone around would be the same or would it vary. I take any random case..if the girl is nice and attractive then she makes friends smoothly wherever she goes. she gets everyone on her freind list without inviting anyone herself ...is it the first impression of her nicecities good enough or is it just the charming looks that works...I dont really know but one of my guy friends told me once that every who helps a girl has something on his mind..Guys are complex...to understand...I dont really want to rule out the fact that there is a dearth of good guys or people in general but he told me as a matter of fact and it forced me to think once again.
Does this world still lay all the importance on the exteriors of a person without really judging a person...maybe the beauty within plays an important role later but are attractive looks so important for the initial push...I cant really say because I dont have any answer for that..Maybe the guys can tell better..but my curiosity still rages on and I want an answer for that...for this one i wont say anything maybe someone can tell me about it..its a harsh fact to admit but i think it is true.i want to say many a things still but haven't found the expression for them as yet...
I have many unanswered questions which I would love to know the answer someday...