Wednesday, March 24, 2010

Am I an escapist?? well, hmm i dont know, i dont think know what lets talk about it some other time.

To 'BE' or 'NOT to 'BE' ???

This is one of the things that would always confound me..
What is being in a relationship about? being in love or friendship or any other form of close relationship.
Is it all about constant change, as in to say that is it about changing the person you love and then loving him or just love him/her the way they are. Do people really change? do they really change or accept any form of change after the age of 15? do they welcome change in their lives and become a part of it really?
I have been pondering over these questions for a while now, i dont seem to have any answers so i thought why not put my questions out there to ask anyone who would have sort of idea about them.
Why is it so hard to accept that everyone has a personality of their own encoded in their DNA just like other traits, and no matter what they stay, they dont go, they are like your fingerprint, and if someone is out to change them in order to like you more, they are fiddling with you basic personality, is that fine? is that acceptable? would it let you be who you want to be, would you be actually comfortable in your new skin, would you be original, wouldnt you be all fake and unnatural? isnt it fair enough to be who you actually are and be liked and accepted like that? why do people dont want to see it from this perspective. at times i hate myself, other times i love myself, its a constant flux of getting to know oneself. it is tricky but then no one said that life is easy..right?
but one day you eventually will figure yourself out and a lot of other things and that would make it all worth it. but then the question still lingers on...would you wait for your soul mate the kind of person you actually want for yourself, who would be compatible with you and your personality and would accept you as you are, and still love you, or you would rather date and take a chance, and end up breaking up? gettin hurt and healed up in the process. would it be worth the pain?
or would it be silly to go through this and then getting to know.
some people say that thinking about all this, is not worth the effort, and life is too short, maybe this is not such a big issue after all in their life, but you are making it one of the big ones for yourself, but my arguement is that you wont care about every tom dick and harry but then the poepl who matter and if they say something, you would be concerned and would try to figure out the flaws. wont you try?
but then everybody thinks different and then you can never concur with everyone..on everything. getting hurt is easy, and then there is a different defense mechanism everyone has, some want to shout it out, on others, or just get drunk, others like to shut the door and figure it out, stay quite and find the solution themselves. but then both approaches are dependent on the personality of the person in question. both are right in their own terms, some people want to shrug off and move ahead, others take a minute and think about it and act on it, or atleast try to act on it..which one is a better one i dont know...self valuation once in a while is important, there would always be people who would understand and accept and love you the way you are, and there will always be people who would resent your demeanor for something or the other.
what would you do? think about it or dish it off as something not worthy of time and thought?
would you care to change yourself and be like the one they want you to be? or just be confident and love the way you are if there is nothing major wrong with you and there are people in your life who love you as you are..and totally adore you?
would you stop being who you are, be fake or you would?????
is there any point in changing for someone or should you just carry on being yourself and actually be with people who accept you as you are? or should you just not care? should you not even make an effort to gel with different kind of people, and simply try to be with those who are more tolerable of you and you behavior? is staying aloof and deliberately ignorant the key to be happy? i know that when you move into the society , it expects certain standards from you and it will demand specifics from you and your behavior would you like to keep up, or just say 'WHATEVER' and move on with a smile? or would you rather make an effort and try to please them, even though you know that goodness is overrated and the most thankless job in the world..but i understand that living is also a thankless job, but then we dont stop we? even though we know that you might do a thousand nice things for someone and you just need a simple small misunderstanding, a small verbal folly to ruin it and to make it all worthless forever..and the person will forget everything but that last slip of tongue or the impulsive thing said at the spur of the moment.. why are we humans so shallow? i have no idea, but maybe someday will have some...they want to be sad i guess..thats why..
i dont know these are the questions that always remain and they linger? i have no answers..and my brain goes into splits thinking about them, so i m going to stop thinking, but yes if you read this post and think that no one understand you ..then please take a moment to write down what you feel..what is the right way to go..i am sure everyone thinks about this at some point and has an opinion, i just want to know that opinion..and the logical rationale...

The question still lingers on.....

Tuesday, December 15, 2009

why is this such a sad world?

Recently I have learnt and discovered a lot about the world I live in, not that i have been blind to everything going around me for the last some 20 years or something, but then there are some days and moments that teach you so much as they pass by you. I think my recent months have been full of them and saying that i have not learnt anything significant out that would be the biggest lie on this planet.
The ugly truth is that each one of us hungry for love, most of us are born in a home, where mothers and relatives crave to take us up in their arms to caress us, and to touch our cheeks, or to hold our tiny fingers, we see so much love and we are brought up in a environment where we only see love around us we see how wanted we are there and we think that this is always going to be the case. most of us cant take rejections easily and then we actually grow up and move out into the world, and then the truth hits us and we learn that this is a vicious world where no one cares, everyone is bitching behind you and making fun of you for something or for some petty reason, even out of jealousy, or something, and then we are so hurt somewhere that this world is not what we had been seeing since our childhood, but still we try to change and evolve into a person whom this world would accept better and love it as their own which does not happen, and hence we are left feeling sad, lonely and miserable, it is a weird world which just doesnt let you live the way you want to. We keep on dancing on the whims of this world and this world and the people contained therein. But that leads to the question, are we happy? does this make us happy? Changing ourselves is never a good idea, whenever life sucks we always try to figure out whats wrong with the world, maybe the starting point should be that "We Suck" because we have always been made to feel like a princes or a prince at home, where every demand was entertained. Life changes and so do we have to, whether we want it or not, doesnt matter, so be prepared to change yourself if you really want to survive, you have to be fake at times, superficial, to pass a smile to someone whom you might just hate hate and hate, but then you have to do it, to live here, in this world, which would no let you live happily otherwise too, just take care of the line in between, you know the fact that we can never make everyone happy, concentrate on those who really care about you, but yes at the same time, be diplomatic and know where to pass the fake smile and you would survive through everything, that is the cardinal rule of survival.
good luck.

Monday, July 13, 2009

beliefs or something like it!

Recently many of my beliefs and notions in life have undergone a serious makeover and without me intervening in them much, I have no idea if they are for good or bad, but they are there and I cant deny them. It forces me to think that everyone keeps on trying to firgure our other people their entire life, when we know so little about themselves. Including me in that list now. I have been living in my beliefs created and directed by me and now when i sit n reflect, i somehow cant justify them, and especially when someone says them aloud then it gets more suffocating, in a hurry to understand your own feelings, you try to justify it to yourselves and convince yourself, but all in vain.
I have been wondering about these things regarding religion and caste for a long time. Though i dont call myself a devout religiously person, as I only pray to a certain god whom i really have faith in and that too when i used to fast for him on mondays. I have been doing it for over 2 years now, but i suddenly gave it up, due to many reasons, I have been trying to somehow prove that god is nearer to me when i fast for him. But is it true? Does god ask me to starve and prove my devotion? doesnt he want me to be happy and having a good meal, and then be true to myself and be pure at heart? he doesnt want me to prove it to him, how much i believe in him.
I always had questions which were never answered, is it justified to look for a rationale in everything in life ? cant something be just like what they are? and never be questioned, its the same as in the matters of heart and mind. There always have been questions haunting my mind about stuff to which i could never find answers.
Well one of my close friend whose aunt passes away because of cancer, she did not want to die, she had kids and the day she learnt she had cancer, she cried for help friend was in a miserable shape, she said somethings that day that force me to think and re question myself and my faith. I have certainly blind faith in God..or that superpower that exists somewhere and we all know he does, some of us just dont acknowledge his presence. She has'nt been talking to God and she says that there is no god, maybe there is no superpower, we just believe in ourselves and when we keep on saying the prayers somewhere deep down we are re enforcing the positivity to make the thing we so dearly want a total success, that positive energy fills us with the will to do and achieve anything in the world, as the line in the Alchemist goes, when we really and truly want something, the whole universe conspires to make us achieve that. it is a beautiful line and the more and more i read it the more and more i believe in it. I dont know as yet, whether there is any superpower or not, maybe the belief in ourselves is the name of the god.when we really want something real bad we just keep on repeating it to ourselves again and again and that makes us believe in the strength of our own dreams and desires and hence we exert ourselves and thus we end up achieving what we actually want in life. it works like that. there is no god it is within us the power to create, to destroy, to lose and to achieve. She put it in such simple terms that i was surprised too. is it all that simple, can we explain the existence of god in these simple temrs. Maybe she was right. I so want to believe her but i cant. I still think that there is a superpower somewhere that is looking out for us all. I know atleast in my case it is. it always has been.
Our lives are nothing but just a simple series of fortunate and unfortunate accidents that leads us to our destinies which is already decided by someone or amybe not. And we have to reach that finishing line, and when we really want something too bad, the universe actually does conspire secretly to bring it closer to us so that we can acheive it someday. this all is true. If we can have blind faith in that power or the gaurdian angel then we can somehow learn to trust the people in the world his creations. how else would we ever trust anything or anyone without touching or seeing them. it would be so hard. Religion has no fixed definition, it is even foolish the way people have divided the world into tiny factions and they fight over it too. When no one has ever seen their Gods, a crowd of people having blind faith go on a rampage and killing innocents. It is way easier to explain the presence or the trust in that power than actually explaining this craziness in people, so i wont even try.
We have never seen God, no one has ever seen one, and everyone asks me how can they believe in something that they have never seen, touched or felt. But I think I can feel his presence around me when I am sad, and that is why i want to believe in him. Due to my crazy schedule i could not continue fasting for him, and also because I think that If i love him so much and believe in him then I should be happy and eat properly on his day. He never asked me to stay hungry to prove my devotions towards him. if my heart is pure and if I am true in the core then he will get the vibes wherever he is, or maybe nowhere at all. But this idea of a superpower looking over us and helping us in anything we want as has always happened, is just too fascinating for me and I somehow want to believe in it in all possibilities. I may not fast for him, but i can never let go of my beliefs. It is weird how some people keep on seeking the proof of his presence, how they want a evidence for everything before actually believing in something, when they themselves dont know what they are looking for. I recently paid a visit to Gurudwara in States and I was surprised and happy to see how deeply ingrained the religion was amongst 4 and 10 year old sikh kids. It was a beautiful sight to see them act like any other older sikh follower. they were so disciplined helping with the people organizing 'langar' and serving them. This is what binds them together, the principles that would remain etched somewhere in their hearts when they grow up. Religion is only a way to bring some faith into our hearts, to discipline us to some extents and to give us all an identity. a way to believe in the positive force that drives the world.
But as i said again i will not question anyone's faith here. It is about me and something i want or dont want to believe in and then i choose to keep my blind faith in him as always till the last day, and the rest of the world can keep on questioning thier own beliefs or fight over it just to act foolishly. i don't actually care.

Sunday, June 21, 2009

Letting go....

I have got a lot to say, a lot on my mind,
but the words wont come out
they clog my mind till the heart chokes
tears dont come,
memories do
feel numb with confusion
feel no pain, but keep scourging deeper
dont know which way to go,
what road to tread
to avoid what's been repeated countless times
i keep on asking myself and at times to others but no one understands and no one knows...what its it so easy to give up and give in, should i just go with the flow or take the harder route that my mind keeps on pushing me on to or should i just start living with it and forget the rest...tomorrow and future beyond ..would that help?
i m clueless in dark..fumbling around feeling my way out of this...feels like ..something that i cant put in words..but i think for now i should just listen to my mind and shun my heart...coz i dont know what this would be like, hurting someone mid way or wait till the very end when you can actually see everything to believe it or just read the signs and work on it before it gets worse...lose something based on the signs.what if the signs are wrong..what if the light i see is just fake...what if i am left stranded in the middle of by myself...i dont know..anything...but for now..i should let go...let go...
random thoughts ..maybe i m thinking aloud..just like that..after having a overflow of emotions due to some random emotional flick...whatever it is...i just wrote it...bcoz i felt like it...

Saturday, June 20, 2009


So finally I have some free time to actually sit down and write I am not too sleepy or tired...and then I have time to actually look out of my window and appreciate the trickling rain drops from the leaves of the trees and the green grass...spring has gone and summer is supposed to have come..but i never had the time to enjoy the seems to have gone fast forward but then season seemed to have paused so that i could still look at the pretty sights that the nature has to offer. I was working on an experiment and it did not work and i pushed myself out of my bed today on a saturday to go and check out my result and further it...but it didnt work, it dint work but i the back of my mind I was happy as i had gotten my weekend chillax...I am learning very important lessons of my life..and that is to accept failures and then start to look at the glass half full and not half empty..I have always had thi failure phobe..i used to have dreams that I have failed an exam and that would be so tormenting for me but i think once you learn to take failures your life becomes so much easier, you cna learn to laugh them off and just wave them away...i had never thought about this before...but after i joined this lab i realized that there is more to life than being the number one in everything..there is so much more...the society will always lay pressure on you to be the next einstein or even beat eintein but then you dont have to always work according to them...we have to decide and look for our priorities and then understand that winning is not everything..i have met so many people here who talk about their failures wihtout any shame or remorse and then they always rose above that and laughed at it...that makes me feel somehow that how immature I am and maybe my priorities in life were effed. But i think i know why I am the way I am...having grown up in a male dominated everyone else..i somehow always saw the pity in others eyes for bieng a girl...a world where women most often would abort their girl is a sorry state but then it was the truth of my life..and somehow i took the beacon to atleast be the best in what i do so that i can prove something to this sneering make my folks really proud of me one day....and they are..but then i have grown so used to this feeling of making it the best always that i cant let go of this, and that was the reaosn why i couldnt take failure...but now i have started to look beyond and i know that every failure is teacing me some way..and that is good enough for now..all i have to say that at some point in life we always think that if somehow we can get that..then I would be so damn happy and qwould never look beyond that but then it seems that the thing keeps on evading lose all the hope and the anticipation and then one day slowly that thing will come and sit on your shoulder like a butterfly just that the feeling in your heart is gonna be different...and you might not feel the same way as you thought as you would but it is so is always like that for everyone i guess but then we must for sure realize that nothing in this world is so awesome that you die to get it..because then you are losing on today hoping for tomorrow and if it is meant for you then you would definitely get time..or esle its never meant for you.
i m glad to be learning a few crucial lessons in my life now that i will always remember..thanx to many people and many sticky situations and many failed experiments...recently...

Saturday, May 30, 2009

Saying goodbye....

Sometimes you feel such a void when someone has left..the silence is eerie and gets intolerable too after a while..How important it is to have good friends and companionship, i realized that only after I came here...all by myself. unaware of anything that went on here...far away from home, family, friends and the people i was hard...but I was getting the independence i always be on my own to have my own experiences. While going for my roomies here, i did not give any priorities and i wanted to take whatever comes my way, without any prejudice. After 10 months, I am so glad about my decision then, it couldnt have been better. I know I was one of those lucky ones who got such supportive and caring roomies. They were all senior to me, yes i was pampered and loved and also bossed times. which i tried to take in stride. They were like my own sister and they held my hand and taught me the new ways of life, which i was apprehensive but excited to learn about. They taught me new stuff..about the lifestyle, people, cuisines...and life in general. It has been so great all throughout and i never realized that 10 months had gone by.
Whenever I needed someone to tell my days exciting events or about the stupid casanovas they were always around to lend me their ears and their advice too on how to deal with them. When I had to go early for class or lab they were my alarm clock and my morning coffee when i studied early morning for my exams, they made my wake up coffee for me...they were my source of encouragement when I was down or worried about my exams and studies and deadlines. They never let me go to bed empty stomach, being the lazy bum I am (only for cooking) I could never manage my work and life so as to find time for cooking esp and ended up having cereal and bread at night too for dinner, but they were always there with some nice hot veggie food. they took care where I was if i was too late at work or at a party and they got all worried about me, they always came in to ask me wehn i had a 'do not disturb' sign on my door. they were always there for me and then i grew up and started to know the ways of life here in a new place..which started to seem more friendly to me. Being from different countries and speaking a different tongue never brought any kind of barriers between us. we could read each others feelings. we joked and laughed and at times bitched too about some of our common enemies, discussed issues..had our fun time....they have been taking care of me here like their own and they touched me with their kindness and concern. I would have been so lost without them, and today one of them moved out and the other one would be gone soon. I dont know if I would be fine then..or not but one thing that i know about is that I am going to miss them like hell. it is a painful process to see someone wrap up and packup for finally leaving....there is a strange silence in this apartment today...and i already hate it...
I know it is hard to say goodbye and one more thing that i know is that if you find people in your life who could bring tears in your eyes and a shadow on your heart when they leave..and if you feel it is hard to bid goodbye..then you have achieved something..i dont know if they would ever read this post..but D and N I am going to miss you have touched my heart and my life with all your loving and caring gestures and I would love to hear from you again....hope you dont forget me.... :)
take care...good luck...and remember it is not a good bye after all..