I was trying to sleep peacefully and then I woke up startled...calling out 'mummy'...and when I opened my eyes to look around..my mum was not there...this is the second time in the past half year when I was actually woken up by my own voice calling out to my maa....i was disturbed after that dream...too disturbed..i hate to sleep...these days...in a way i like it because dreams are the only place that know no boundaries and take me near my family but they are so fragile and delicate and when they break..and i open my eyes..i feel more lonely that ever....
i always wanted to be on my own and i always wanted to be brave and strong..when I came here I was happy.because I had no one to help me in everything not my family or my elder cousin who has always been around me like a protective covering keeping me safe and pampered and protected I was happy to have finally become independent in the truest sense..to loose the tag of 'Baby' which was like my nickname for past...some 20 years..even if I grew up..but I was overprotected and I sometimes wanted to have my own experiences in this big bad evil world and see it for myself...not to take favors form anyone around..to finally feel what its like being grown up....I had made up my mind and one reason why I didn't go back home in the winter vacations was because I want to make myself strong..emotionally ...not to miss my family so much..not to crave for my home that frequently..but after spending the longest time away from my family..my life I have realized that I am not strong and what I always perceived as to be brave and strong...away from your family..was not actually Brave...either a person can be emotionally dry or b like me..it hurts at times to be miles away from your folks.....i dont tell anyone around me because I dont want to sound weak...i keep it to my lonely self and never express it but the fact is that sometimes even the video chatting doesnt help....you feel so drained. lonely and weak without your folks...and I know I would get bored even if i stayed for a month at home with nohting to do..but at the moment I crave for their one hug, one pat on my back, to sit with them in the evening while they have their work discussions and I feel so bored....their one kiss...i miss the way my mum used to wake me up...the way my dad used to feel proud of me and always say that.infront of others.....i miss the time when i used to play radiocity at blaring volumes every morning and the way my dad and me used to fight over the remote control to lower the volume....i miss them..i miss the way i teased my sis...and drove her crazy..i crave for my mums food....the way when i used to be so tired and she used to make me eat before going to bed no matter what..the way she used to get angry when i bought skimmed milk for myself....as compared to full cream load...the way she used to keep complaining about my eating habits..the way my sister used to kick me out of the kitchen while cooking so I dint mess around....the way i used to book the idiot box to watch roadies every sat. when my dad had the urgent need to watch news....i miss them...i miss my home...i crave for their love which cant somehow reach me....it is too far off...they miss me too i know...lately my dad has started saying 'miss you my son'..which is something he has never done...
everyday when i cross the road...here ....I wonder what if a speeding car comes and hits me and i never open my eyes...what if i never get to see my folks again before i die? what if i never get to say goodbye....that is the last wish of mine to be near my family when i leave finally....i wonder this is such a small life and we all are scattered in the four directions....we would never get to spend the time together...as we all used to....life is short and i dont have any right to complain...I achieved what i always wanted but is this all..there is everything here but then it all comes at a very huge price..and that is loneliness..i feel envious of the people i see at the stores here...people with their families...kid with their mum and dads..holding their hand...feeling the eternal bliss which even they arent aware of at the moment....everyone is so lonely here..in the past half an year..i have heard this word zillions of times....form everyone her who is away form his/her family....everyone is lonely..there is no life here...and that is so true....i want my family too..they are my strength..and without my strength how can i go ahead....i 'might not be 'brave' in my terms but i dont want to be one..now..without our loved ones you cant be brave...because they are the strength that you show on your face..they are the daring that resides in your heart...and if they are not close then form where is that daring gonna come from? it is ironic...i see people here..they are emotionally dry...most of them....and they are the ones who never miss their folks...but i dont want to be emotionally dead...towards my folks and family...they are the ones who cultivated the emotions in me..they are the ones who taught me to love....they are the my biggest teachers..who taught me what unconditional love is...i m sorry but i can never be brave...i m like this...and i will always remain like this but in a way i m proud of myself and my emotions...you might call me an emotional fool but i dont care....who knows where god is and when he created you..I have never seen him but i have seen the two most beautiful people in this world...the people who held me when I was a helpless crying baby...definitely know the two people who brought me into this world..showed me the way of life..always held my hand and guided me int he right direction...and they are my true creators in every sense....people tend to forget this but I am glad that even after so many years of spending my life..i still have my faith and my love for them....
I miss you mum and dad and di...I dont say that to you..because i dont want you to be worried about me....but I really miss you....i cant wait to get back home...and hug you...to feel your love..to be under your protection....to see the glow in your eyes when you see me....to touch your warm hands..to have the worlds best food...to just feel the comfort of being near you...away from all the worries of this big bad world...mum..this world is a big bad place and there is no one like you and dad here to take care of me....no one here has the eyes that say everything and make you feel so much better on your worst days without actually saying a word..no one has the shoulder or rather a lap where i can cry my heart out and say everything i want to....no one cares maa...i miss you and dad everyday and every moment that I am away from you....but i m learning to be strong maa..and will be...a brave son of my dad one day...
lots of love....
your 'son'
11 comments:
'Son' frightened me a bit.. Hehe... oops sorry for this mis-placed PJ
Well, I can't comment anything coz I haven't had this kind of experience ever yet... Although I am eagerly waiting to write this kind of post myself but I know mine would be very similar to this one..!
Helllo, kya bhai, bade writer hogaye aap toh,very touching , I could relate to every bit of it.
@abhinav..thanx for ur comments..
you will know sometime in life for sure..ki maa kaa pyaar and dad ka 'son' kehna kya hota hai..abhi tum bachche ho...bt u will definitely grow up one day...and my dad calls me his son...nuthing wrong with anyone..dnt worry....its jst coz i m like one to my folks....tum ye bhi nai samjhoge....kyunki as i said tum abhi bachche ho...dats y... bade ho jaao bachche ;)
@jayant thanx dude...aisa kuch ani hai yaar..jst wat my feelings are..nuthin creative about this particular post.. i m sure everyone away frm family can relate to it
Just 2 days back, on Tuesday, I hadn't slept all night since I was studying. I had to go to a local RTO for some work and I was in and around that office for close about 6 hours. When I returned I was dead tired and was of course hungry. Laid flat on the bed, w/o even taking off the shoes. My Mom persuaded me to eat something, I couldn't get up. So she went to the kitchen, took some fresh loaves of bread, spread some butter and fed it to me while I was laying on the bed with my eyes closed. We were laughing along considering my hopelessness but I'll remember that moment ALWAYS..... Only I know how much I'll miss my Mom-Dad-Bhai and Bhabhi when I go for my further studies.
You know what, I would have cried if I wasn't in one of my happy moods right now.(I hope no one I know reads this. LOL.) And why I say this is..because..the way you're feeling now..is exactly the same that I was feeling not many days back..I'm still confused about it..
I'm living with my family only..and I love them to death..although I too, like you sometimes want to just fly away..be independent..on my own..do things on my own..test myself..not be 'protected' for a while..and sometimes, I have dinner alone in my room..away from them..I don't know why..and I feel guilty about it..but I keep doing it again and again..and it never used to be that way..we always had dinner together..
Whether..missing some one so much makes one 'weak' or am I a baby to be so dependent on my parents for so many things..confuses me too..
But I've stopped thinking about it too much..causes distractions.
I can guess that you've written this post..directly from the heart..at a time when you were having a sudden rush of emotions and just couldn't help..writing on and on and on..you wrote everything that came to your mind at the spur of the moment and did not care to edit it after wards to make it sound less random and more organized and that's what makes this post stands out ..cause no one out here writes like that..to bare it all out..everyone keeps something to themselves.
I think I know the purpose of you making this blog..it is to blurt it all out..not to hold in..I get it..because that's the reason I made a blog in the first place..I was lonely too although, with so many people around, unlike you. Just trying to find my own way. n other words, trying to grow up!
I could connect. :)
i am 23 :|
hey siya..thax for ur comments.... it seems like you could read my mind...i couldnt have said that myself as u put it in words with such ease...that was exactly wat was going on in my mind when i jotted it down...i can so understand why u can connect with this...but trust me girl...the time u spend with ur folks and family is the best n the most precious...u might nt understand this right now...but when u go away frm them u will miss every small detail of it every passing moment...so enjoy ur time with them and try to make them as happy as u can...
oh abhinav u r 23??
i was kidding dude..i got too senti with this one naa..well i need to get my humor back...these days whenever i m in class i wonder abt the funny stuff arnd bt by the time i get to my laptop its all forgotten...next time u will c the old me...till then have fun..n keep writing amazing posts as u always do...
u've been tagged on my blog :P
It was so touchy. You wrote it by heart and I read it by heart and with teary eyes
Thanx a lot..I am glad you liked my writing...this post was spontaneous burst of emotions...but i am still sorry to have made you sad.
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