just me and my dreams....I seriously miss you maa and pa

I was trying to sleep peacefully and then I woke up startled...calling out 'mummy'...and when I opened my eyes to look around..my mum was not there...this is the second time in the past half year when I was actually woken up by my own voice calling out to my maa....i was disturbed after that dream...too disturbed..i hate to sleep...these days...in a way i like it because dreams are the only place that know no boundaries and take me near my family but they are so fragile and delicate and when they break..and i open my eyes..i feel more lonely that ever....
i always wanted to be on my own and i always wanted to be brave and strong..when I came here I was happy.because I had no one to help me in everything not my family or my elder cousin who has always been around me like a protective covering keeping me safe and pampered and protected I was happy to have finally become independent in the truest sense..to loose the tag of 'Baby' which was like my nickname for past...some 20 years..even if I grew up..but I was overprotected and I sometimes wanted to have my own experiences in this big bad evil world and see it for myself...not to take favors form anyone around..to finally feel what its like being grown up....I had made up my mind and one reason why I didn't go back home in the winter vacations was because I want to make myself strong..emotionally ...not to miss my family so much..not to crave for my home that frequently..but after spending the longest time away from my family..my life I have realized that I am not strong and what I always perceived as to be brave and strong...away from your family..was not actually Brave...either a person can be emotionally dry or b like me..it hurts at times to be miles away from your folks.....i dont tell anyone around me because I dont want to sound weak...i keep it to my lonely self and never express it but the fact is that sometimes even the video chatting doesnt help....you feel so drained. lonely and weak without your folks...and I know I would get bored even if i stayed for a month at home with nohting to do..but at the moment I crave for their one hug, one pat on my back, to sit with them in the evening while they have their work discussions and I feel so bored....their one kiss...i miss the way my mum used to wake me up...the way my dad used to feel proud of me and always say that.infront of others.....i miss the time when i used to play radiocity at blaring volumes every morning and the way my dad and me used to fight over the remote control to lower the volume....i miss them..i miss the way i teased my sis...and drove her crazy..i crave for my mums food....the way when i used to be so tired and she used to make me eat before going to bed no matter what..the way she used to get angry when i bought skimmed milk for myself....as compared to full cream load...the way she used to keep complaining about my eating habits..the way my sister used to kick me out of the kitchen while cooking so I dint mess around....the way i used to book the idiot box to watch roadies every sat. when my dad had the urgent need to watch news....i miss them...i miss my home...i crave for their love which cant somehow reach me....it is too far off...they miss me too i know...lately my dad has started saying 'miss you my son'..which is something he has never done...
everyday when i cross the road...here ....I wonder what if a speeding car comes and hits me and i never open my eyes...what if i never get to see my folks again before i die? what if i never get to say goodbye....that is the last wish of mine to be near my family when i leave finally....i wonder this is such a small life and we all are scattered in the four directions....we would never get to spend the time together...as we all used to....life is short and i dont have any right to complain...I achieved what i always wanted but is this all..there is everything here but then it all comes at a very huge price..and that is loneliness..i feel envious of the people i see at the stores here...people with their families...kid with their mum and dads..holding their hand...feeling the eternal bliss which even they arent aware of at the moment....everyone is so lonely here..in the past half an year..i have heard this word zillions of times....form everyone her who is away form his/her family....everyone is lonely..there is no life here...and that is so true....i want my family too..they are my strength..and without my strength how can i go ahead....i 'might not be 'brave' in my terms but i dont want to be one..now..without our loved ones you cant be brave...because they are the strength that you show on your face..they are the daring that resides in your heart...and if they are not close then form where is that daring gonna come from? it is ironic...i see people here..they are emotionally dry...most of them....and they are the ones who never miss their folks...but i dont want to be emotionally dead...towards my folks and family...they are the ones who cultivated the emotions in me..they are the ones who taught me to love....they are the my biggest teachers..who taught me what unconditional love is...i m sorry but i can never be brave...i m like this...and i will always remain like this but in a way i m proud of myself and my emotions...you might call me an emotional fool but i dont care....who knows where god is and when he created you..I have never seen him but i have seen the two most beautiful people in this world...the people who held me when I was a helpless crying baby...definitely know the two people who brought me into this world..showed me the way of life..always held my hand and guided me int he right direction...and they are my true creators in every sense....people tend to forget this but I am glad that even after so many years of spending my life..i still have my faith and my love for them....
I miss you mum and dad and di...I dont say that to you..because i dont want you to be worried about me....but I really miss you....i cant wait to get back home...and hug you...to feel your love..to be under your protection....to see the glow in your eyes when you see me....to touch your warm hands..to have the worlds best food...to just feel the comfort of being near you...away from all the worries of this big bad world...mum..this world is a big bad place and there is no one like you and dad here to take care of me....no one here has the eyes that say everything and make you feel so much better on your worst days without actually saying a word..no one has the shoulder or rather a lap where i can cry my heart out and say everything i want to....no one cares maa...i miss you and dad everyday and every moment that I am away from you....but i m learning to be strong maa..and will be...a brave son of my dad one day...
lots of love....
your 'son'

Damn Fire alarm.... :(

Now today was the worst start one could possibly imagine for a sunday...one very very bad thing about staying on campus is that they have damn sensitive fire alarms in the buildings and the apartments...and they are so shrill and loud that they can infact wake up the dead then we are very much alive and kicking. But the point that inrigues me to no end is that who the hell was up in the grad housing at 9:30 on sunday to cook...or mayeb they were poor things like me who were trying to make some coffee, eggs and cereal..but then what could possibly burn so bad that it triggered the fire alarm..I literally fell out of my bed and i was cursing my cell' alarm not quite understanding how come it became so shrill and loud overnight....and that too without my due permission as I dont even bother to set alarm for sundays anymore...and then I realized that it was the fire alarm and i started to walk out n then i realized i wasnt wearing anything warm as it was 2 deg cel outside. so i came back to grab my jacket, keys, cell...now if you ask me why i picked up my cellphone and not the wallet with my debit card...then i dont have any logical answer for that....as my damaged head is still sleepy...well i knocked on my flatmates door because they penalize you if the fire alarm is off and you are still in...i mean this is ridiculous..what if someone plans to die...its their choice isnt it...
Now people hav weird reactions in case of such emergencies....
well for me...the first time this happened I was confused what to take along with me...my wallet? cell? passprt? my original degrees and academic credntials? my ipod? my laptop?
well i ended up takin my passpart and nuthing else..
My flatmate was worried about her marriage certificate the original copy....so she left her passprt and took her certificate...
her comments on todays fiasco was..."it is rude to wake up grad students so early(9:30 a.m.) on a sunday morning..." and my chakku and mutthu must be all confused and might be dying because of the noise...lemme tell you chakku and mutthu are her beta fishes..who would be provided with ear plugs from now on.
and my third flatmate...only curses her way out of her sleep to downstairs....nothing much....I ususlly dont curse because I always have this fear in my mind that next time it could be easily me...at the rate I have been burning food....and then I have to open widnows and fan the fire sensor in the living room standing on that couch....
and as they say what goes around comes around..i hope these culprits treat me the same...too..last time it was 1 in the morning when the alarm went off...
my flatmates are so scared to leave me alone when I am cooking...and they make sure that I either I have a rope or a saree to climb down from the window in case of an extreme fire... but I havent burnt anything till now...hopefully I wont do it in near future....but one thing i appreciate about all this is the sincerity and the prompt response of the cops and the security personnel. They are here in less than five minutes after the defeaning alarm..do i need to say that had it been in India, the building would have probably burnt down before the cops even pick up thier ringing phone....
anyways the good thing about all this fire alarm going off today is that I woke up early and had lots of time to waste....oops to do something constructive like readins, cooking et al. but due to some reasons I couldnt cook so I am thiking to attack my flatmates food ..which they asked me to take freely.... :)
bless them...