Just like that !!

2010-03-24T19:00:00.000-07:00

Am I an escapist?? well, hmm i dont know, i dont think so..you know what lets talk about it some other time.

To 'BE' or 'NOT to 'BE' ???

2010-03-24T18:04:00.000-07:00

This is one of the things that would always confound me..
What is being in a relationship about? being in love or friendship or any other form of close relationship.
Is it all about constant change, as in to say that is it about changing the person you love and then loving him or just love him/her the way they are. Do people really change? do they really change or accept any form of change after the age of 15? do they welcome change in their lives and become a part of it really?
I have been pondering over these questions for a while now, i dont seem to have any answers so i thought why not put my questions out there to ask anyone who would have sort of idea about them.
Why is it so hard to accept that everyone has a personality of their own encoded in their DNA just like other traits, and no matter what they stay, they dont go, they are like your fingerprint, and if someone is out to change them in order to like you more, they are fiddling with you basic personality, is that fine? is that acceptable? would it let you be who you want to be, would you be actually comfortable in your new skin, would you be original, wouldnt you be all fake and unnatural? isnt it fair enough to be who you actually are and be liked and accepted like that? why do people dont want to see it from this perspective. at times i hate myself, other times i love myself, its a constant flux of getting to know oneself. it is tricky but then no one said that life is easy..right?
but one day you eventually will figure yourself out and a lot of other things and that would make it all worth it. but then the question still lingers on...would you wait for your soul mate the kind of person you actually want for yourself, who would be compatible with you and your personality and would accept you as you are, and still love you, or you would rather date and take a chance, and end up breaking up? gettin hurt and healed up in the process. would it be worth the pain?
or would it be silly to go through this and then getting to know.
some people say that thinking about all this, is not worth the effort, and life is too short, maybe this is not such a big issue after all in their life, but you are making it one of the big ones for yourself, but my arguement is that you wont care about every tom dick and harry but then the poepl who matter and if they say something, you would be concerned and would try to figure out the flaws. wont you try?
but then everybody thinks different and then you can never concur with everyone..on everything. getting hurt is easy, and then there is a different defense mechanism everyone has, some want to shout it out, on others, or just get drunk, others like to shut the door and figure it out, stay quite and find the solution themselves. but then both approaches are dependent on the personality of the person in question. both are right in their own terms, some people want to shrug off and move ahead, others take a minute and think about it and act on it, or atleast try to act on it..which one is a better one i dont know...self valuation once in a while is important, there would always be people who would understand and accept and love you the way you are, and there will always be people who would resent your demeanor for something or the other.
what would you do? think about it or dish it off as something not worthy of time and thought?
would you care to change yourself and be like the one they want you to be? or just be confident and love the way you are if there is nothing major wrong with you and there are people in your life who love you as you are..and totally adore you?
would you stop being who you are, be fake or you would?????
is there any point in changing for someone or should you just carry on being yourself and actually be with people who accept you as you are? or should you just not care? should you not even make an effort to gel with different kind of people, and simply try to be with those who are more tolerable of you and you behavior? is staying aloof and deliberately ignorant the key to be happy? i know that when you move into the society , it expects certain standards from you and it will demand specifics from you and your behavior would you like to keep up, or just say 'WHATEVER' and move on with a smile? or would you rather make an effort and try to please them, even though you know that goodness is overrated and the most thankless job in the world..but i understand that living is also a thankless job, but then we dont stop living..do we? even though we know that you might do a thousand nice things for someone and you just need a simple small misunderstanding, a small verbal folly to ruin it and to make it all worthless forever..and the person will forget everything but that last slip of tongue or the impulsive thing said at the spur of the moment.. why are we humans so shallow? i have no idea, but maybe someday will have some...they want to be sad i guess..thats why..
i dont know these are the questions that always remain and they linger? i have no answers..and my brain goes into splits thinking about them, so i m going to stop thinking, but yes if you read this post and think that no one understand you ..then please take a moment to write down what you feel..what is the right way to go..i am sure everyone thinks about this at some point and has an opinion, i just want to know that opinion..and the logical rationale...

The question still lingers on.....

why is this such a sad world?

2009-12-15T21:35:00.000-08:00

Recently I have learnt and discovered a lot about the world I live in, not that i have been blind to everything going around me for the last some 20 years or something, but then there are some days and moments that teach you so much as they pass by you. I think my recent months have been full of them and saying that i have not learnt anything significant out that would be the biggest lie on this planet.
The ugly truth is that each one of us hungry for love, most of us are born in a home, where mothers and relatives crave to take us up in their arms to caress us, and to touch our cheeks, or to hold our tiny fingers, we see so much love and we are brought up in a environment where we only see love around us we see how wanted we are there and we think that this is always going to be the case. most of us cant take rejections easily and then we actually grow up and move out into the world, and then the truth hits us and we learn that this is a vicious world where no one cares, everyone is bitching behind you and making fun of you for something or for some petty reason, even out of jealousy, or something, and then we are so hurt somewhere that this world is not what we had been seeing since our childhood, but still we try to change and evolve into a person whom this world would accept better and love it as their own which does not happen, and hence we are left feeling sad, lonely and miserable, it is a weird world which just doesnt let you live the way you want to. We keep on dancing on the whims of this world and this world and the people contained therein. But that leads to the question, are we happy? does this make us happy? Changing ourselves is never a good idea, whenever life sucks we always try to figure out whats wrong with the world, maybe the starting point should be that "We Suck" because we have always been made to feel like a princes or a prince at home, where every demand was entertained. Life changes and so do we have to, whether we want it or not, doesnt matter, so be prepared to change yourself if you really want to survive, you have to be fake at times, superficial, to pass a smile to someone whom you might just hate hate and hate, but then you have to do it, to live here, in this world, which would no let you live happily otherwise too, just take care of the line in between, you know the fact that we can never make everyone happy, concentrate on those who really care about you, but yes at the same time, be diplomatic and know where to pass the fake smile and you would survive through everything, that is the cardinal rule of survival.
good luck.

beliefs or something like it!

2009-07-13T14:25:00.000-07:00

Recently many of my beliefs and notions in life have undergone a serious makeover and without me intervening in them much, I have no idea if they are for good or bad, but they are there and I cant deny them. It forces me to think that everyone keeps on trying to firgure our other people their entire life, when we know so little about themselves. Including me in that list now. I have been living in my beliefs created and directed by me and now when i sit n reflect, i somehow cant justify them, and especially when someone says them aloud then it gets more suffocating, in a hurry to understand your own feelings, you try to justify it to yourselves and convince yourself, but all in vain.
I have been wondering about these things regarding religion and caste for a long time. Though i dont call myself a devout religiously person, as I only pray to a certain god whom i really have faith in and that too when i used to fast for him on mondays. I have been doing it for over 2 years now, but i suddenly gave it up, due to many reasons, I have been trying to somehow prove that god is nearer to me when i fast for him. But is it true? Does god ask me to starve and prove my devotion? doesnt he want me to be happy and having a good meal, and then be true to myself and be pure at heart? he doesnt want me to prove it to him, how much i believe in him.
I always had questions which were never answered, is it justified to look for a rationale in everything in life ? cant something be just like what they are? and never be questioned, its the same as in the matters of heart and mind. There always have been questions haunting my mind about stuff to which i could never find answers.
Well one of my close friend whose aunt passes away because of cancer, she did not want to die, she had kids and the day she learnt she had cancer, she cried for help but..my friend was in a miserable shape, she said somethings that day that force me to think and re question myself and my faith. I have certainly blind faith in God..or that superpower that exists somewhere and we all know he does, some of us just dont acknowledge his presence. She has'nt been talking to God and she says that there is no god, maybe there is no superpower, we just believe in ourselves and when we keep on saying the prayers somewhere deep down we are re enforcing the positivity to make the thing we so dearly want a total success, that positive energy fills us with the will to do and achieve anything in the world, as the line in the Alchemist goes, when we really and truly want something, the whole universe conspires to make us achieve that. it is a beautiful line and the more and more i read it the more and more i believe in it. I dont know as yet, whether there is any superpower or not, maybe the belief in ourselves is the name of the god.when we really want something real bad we just keep on repeating it to ourselves again and again and that makes us believe in the strength of our own dreams and desires and hence we exert ourselves and thus we end up achieving what we actually want in life. it works like that. there is no god it is within us the power to create, to destroy, to lose and to achieve. She put it in such simple terms that i was surprised too. is it all that simple, can we explain the existence of god in these simple temrs. Maybe she was right. I so want to believe her but i cant. I still think that there is a superpower somewhere that is looking out for us all. I know atleast in my case it is. it always has been.
Our lives are nothing but just a simple series of fortunate and unfortunate accidents that leads us to our destinies which is already decided by someone or amybe not. And we have to reach that finishing line, and when we really want something too bad, the universe actually does conspire secretly to bring it closer to us so that we can acheive it someday. this all is true. If we can have blind faith in that power or the gaurdian angel then we can somehow learn to trust the people in the world his creations. how else would we ever trust anything or anyone without touching or seeing them. it would be so hard. Religion has no fixed definition, it is even foolish the way people have divided the world into tiny factions and they fight over it too. When no one has ever seen their Gods, a crowd of people having blind faith go on a rampage and killing innocents. It is way easier to explain the presence or the trust in that power than actually explaining this craziness in people, so i wont even try.
We have never seen God, no one has ever seen one, and everyone asks me how can they believe in something that they have never seen, touched or felt. But I think I can feel his presence around me when I am sad, and that is why i want to believe in him. Due to my crazy schedule i could not continue fasting for him, and also because I think that If i love him so much and believe in him then I should be happy and eat properly on his day. He never asked me to stay hungry to prove my devotions towards him. if my heart is pure and if I am true in the core then he will get the vibes wherever he is, or maybe nowhere at all. But this idea of a superpower looking over us and helping us in anything we want as has always happened, is just too fascinating for me and I somehow want to believe in it in all possibilities. I may not fast for him, but i can never let go of my beliefs. It is weird how some people keep on seeking the proof of his presence, how they want a evidence for everything before actually believing in something, when they themselves dont know what they are looking for. I recently paid a visit to Gurudwara in States and I was surprised and happy to see how deeply ingrained the religion was amongst 4 and 10 year old sikh kids. It was a beautiful sight to see them act like any other older sikh follower. they were so disciplined helping with the people organizing 'langar' and serving them. This is what binds them together, the principles that would remain etched somewhere in their hearts when they grow up. Religion is only a way to bring some faith into our hearts, to discipline us to some extents and to give us all an identity. a way to believe in the positive force that drives the world.
But as i said again i will not question anyone's faith here. It is about me and something i want or dont want to believe in and then i choose to keep my blind faith in him as always till the last day, and the rest of the world can keep on questioning thier own beliefs or fight over it just to act foolishly. i don't actually care.

Letting go....

2009-06-21T14:32:00.000-07:00

I have got a lot to say, a lot on my mind,
but the words wont come out
they clog my mind till the heart chokes
tears dont come,
memories do
feel numb with confusion
feel no pain, but keep scourging deeper
dont know which way to go,
what road to tread
to avoid what's been repeated countless times
i keep on asking myself and at times to others but no one understands and no one knows...what its like..is it so easy to give up and give in, should i just go with the flow or take the harder route that my mind keeps on pushing me on to or should i just start living with it and forget the rest...tomorrow and future beyond ..would that help?
i m clueless in dark..fumbling around feeling my way out of this...feels like ..something that i cant put in words..but i think for now i should just listen to my mind and shun my heart...coz i dont know what this would be like, hurting someone mid way or wait till the very end when you can actually see everything to believe it or just read the signs and work on it before it gets worse...lose something based on the signs.what if the signs are wrong..what if the light i see is just fake...what if i am left stranded in the middle of nowhere..al by myself...i dont know..anything...but for now..i should let go...let go...
random thoughts ..maybe i m thinking aloud..just like that..after having a overflow of emotions due to some random emotional flick...whatever it is...i just wrote it...bcoz i felt like it...

Failures...

2009-06-20T13:32:00.000-07:00

So finally I have some free time to actually sit down and write something..today I am not too sleepy or tired...and then I have time to actually look out of my window and appreciate the trickling rain drops from the leaves of the trees and the green grass...spring has gone and summer is supposed to have come..but i never had the time to enjoy the spring..life seems to have gone fast forward but then season seemed to have paused so that i could still look at the pretty sights that the nature has to offer. I was working on an experiment and it did not work and i pushed myself out of my bed today on a saturday to go and check out my result and further it...but it didnt work, it dint work but i the back of my mind I was happy as i had gotten my weekend free...to chillax...I am learning very important lessons of my life..and that is to accept failures and then start to look at the glass half full and not half empty..I have always had thi failure phobe..i used to have dreams that I have failed an exam and that would be so tormenting for me but i think once you learn to take failures your life becomes so much easier, you cna learn to laugh them off and just wave them away...i had never thought about this before...but after i joined this lab i realized that there is more to life than being the number one in everything..there is so much more...the society will always lay pressure on you to be the next einstein or even beat eintein but then you dont have to always work according to them...we have to decide and look for our priorities and then understand that winning is not everything..i have met so many people here who talk about their failures wihtout any shame or remorse and then they always rose above that and laughed at it...that makes me feel somehow that how immature I am and maybe my priorities in life were effed. But i think i know why I am the way I am...having grown up in a male dominated society...as everyone else..i somehow always saw the pity in others eyes for bieng a girl...a world where women most often would abort their girl child...it is a sorry state but then it was the truth of my life..and somehow i took the beacon to atleast be the best in what i do so that i can prove something to this sneering world..to make my folks really proud of me one day....and they are..but then i have grown so used to this feeling of making it the best always that i cant let go of this, and that was the reaosn why i couldnt take failure...but now i have started to look beyond and i know that every failure is teacing me something...in some way..and that is good enough for now..all i have to say that at some point in life we always think that if somehow we can get that..then I would be so damn happy and qwould never look beyond that but then it seems that the thing keeps on evading you...you lose all the hope and the anticipation and then one day slowly that thing will come and sit on your shoulder like a butterfly just that the feeling in your heart is gonna be different...and you might not feel the same way as you thought as you would but it is so numb...it is always like that for everyone i guess but then we must for sure realize that nothing in this world is so awesome that you die to get it..because then you are losing on today hoping for tomorrow and if it is meant for you then you would definitely get it...in time..or esle its never meant for you.
i m glad to be learning a few crucial lessons in my life now that i will always remember..thanx to many people and many sticky situations and many failed experiments...recently...

Saying goodbye....

2009-05-30T15:44:00.000-07:00

Sometimes you feel such a void when someone has left..the silence is eerie and gets intolerable too after a while..How important it is to have good friends and companionship, i realized that only after I came here...all by myself. unaware of anything that went on here...far away from home, family, friends and the people i loved...it was hard...but I was getting the independence i always wanted..to be on my own to have my own experiences. While going for my roomies here, i did not give any priorities and i wanted to take whatever comes my way, without any prejudice. After 10 months, I am so glad about my decision then, it couldnt have been better. I know I was one of those lucky ones who got such supportive and caring roomies. They were all senior to me, yes i was pampered and loved and also bossed around..at times. which i tried to take in stride. They were like my own sister and they held my hand and taught me the new ways of life, which i was apprehensive but excited to learn about. They taught me new stuff..about the lifestyle, people, cuisines...and life in general. It has been so great all throughout and i never realized that 10 months had gone by.
Whenever I needed someone to tell my days exciting events or about the stupid casanovas they were always around to lend me their ears and their advice too on how to deal with them. When I had to go early for class or lab they were my alarm clock and my morning coffee when i studied early morning for my exams, they made my wake up coffee for me...they were my source of encouragement when I was down or worried about my exams and studies and deadlines. They never let me go to bed empty stomach, being the lazy bum I am (only for cooking) I could never manage my work and life so as to find time for cooking esp and ended up having cereal and bread at night too for dinner, but they were always there with some nice hot veggie food. they took care where I was if i was too late at work or at a party and they got all worried about me, they always came in to ask me wehn i had a 'do not disturb' sign on my door. they were always there for me and then i grew up and started to know the ways of life here in a new place..which started to seem more friendly to me. Being from different countries and speaking a different tongue never brought any kind of barriers between us. we could read each others feelings. we joked and laughed and at times bitched too about some of our common enemies, discussed issues..had our fun time....they have been taking care of me here like their own and they touched me with their kindness and concern. I would have been so lost without them, and today one of them moved out and the other one would be gone soon. I dont know if I would be fine then..or not but one thing that i know about is that I am going to miss them like hell. it is a painful process to see someone wrap up and packup for finally leaving....there is a strange silence in this apartment today...and i already hate it...
I know it is hard to say goodbye and one more thing that i know is that if you find people in your life who could bring tears in your eyes and a shadow on your heart when they leave..and if you feel it is hard to bid goodbye..then you have achieved something..i dont know if they would ever read this post..but D and N I am going to miss you guys...you have touched my heart and my life with all your loving and caring gestures and I would love to hear from you again....hope you dont forget me.... :)
take care...good luck...and remember it is not a good bye after all..

Do I need that?

2009-05-16T20:46:00.000-07:00

The other day I was thinking about my buying habits. okay okay...so this wasnt the case entirely. I was actually so damn tempted to buy this thing online and I was trying to hold back. I have been going to get my weekly or maybe fortnightly groceries and then I am so tempted by the stupid things which make no sense in any way at all to be bought and then I go to buy yoghurt and then the check out lady gives me a heart attack by telling me that my sum total is 100 bucks (mind you in dollars) and I just keep on wodering where did i spend all that money..I am aweful at handling my expenses, even before you say it, I eve tried to leave my wallet at home so that i dont buy stuff that i dont need, but that also dint help, reason being, I ask my flatmates to buy the stuff for me so that i can pay them back and the situation remained just as worse and nothing improved, the only thing that actually changed was my checkbook's pages and my atm statements, thats it. so the thing was that nothing improved and the hole in my pocket kept on getting bigger and bigger. So finally i started minimizing my errands to the shopping malls, but then I am a human bing after all and i need to get stuff for my survival. Trust me, half of the time I shop with my flatmate, who is even a worse case than me, I know it is harder to beleive, but yes she is, she keeps on buying stuff and that goes continously being pushed back into the backened of her fridge and the freezer and the only time she is actually reminded of them is when it has gone bad and it starts to stink or maybe develop some microbial growth, by the way while I am on this topic, let me tell you that apart from the dull blue green fungus, there is another species of fungus, of pink and purple color, I dint know tis befire coming here. And when I told my cousin about this thing, he told me that there is another kind of fungus prevalent which is purple in color and it is found in Europe, and he beleives that the fungus is maybe GAY. well, this topic is kinda censored so lets stop this gross discussion. eugh...
anyways..watch what you eat...Indian fungus needs more colors.for sure..
so the thing was that half of the shopping time, I and my flatmate ended up draggin each other form the aisle, where there was all the un needed, useless stuff in the world.
So after all the options I tried, I tried the last option and guess what i tried was finally this...it was no big measure, but just a simple technique and it was a small question, "Do I need this?" and then I thought of all the possible sceanarios where I could or couldnt need the stuff and then i weighed the options ( think how smart I am! :) )and finally I decided whether I should or not buy it. trust me this works big time, as ever since I have stopped myself from buying :
a new apple ipod (when I have an ipod shuffle, a sony discman and a sansa player)
a wireless mouse
a set of speakers, (when I have the stereo bluetooth headphones, bought an year ago)
A new set of cushions for my bed
another lamp (not needed at all, I have one already)
a video cam (my cam already have a brillaint video cam)
a new set of snuggies
a new set of glares
etc etc...
the list is endless...
anyways this works and it has prevented many a tragedies with my wallet and credit card. and it is smiling right now. So you can imagine that everything is going great. so the message is loud and clear, please ask youself this question before youa ctually buy something and this is coming from a very experienced shopaholic (again proves how wise I am ) so this post goes to a higher level I think, concerning the maturity level and a better understanding for my psyche that deals with my shopping needs.
have fun shoppping till the next post.
cheers...

LIFE and DEATH

2009-04-20T10:43:00.000-07:00

a very interesting and apt representation of the two most mystical phenomenon known to human kind...and that is Life and Death.

ODE TO 'NICE GUYS'

2009-04-20T10:22:00.000-07:00

This is a very interesting RANT..as in an ode to nice guys that I stumbled online..I found it interesting and painstakingly true in more ways than one and I thought that it was a much better idea to share it with everyone, coz I know that there are hundreds of guys in the world who would easily relate to this post...I know it trashes girls in every way but then truth is a truth..no matter what...
Check it out..and If the 'nice guys' out there have something to add, they must go ahead with it
Ode to the Nice Guys
This rant was written for the Wharton Undergraduate Journal

This is a tribute to the nice guys. The nice guys that finish last, that never become more than friends, that endure hours of whining and bitching about what assholes guys are, while disproving the very point. This is dedicated to those guys who always provide a shoulder to lean on but restrain themselves to tentative hugs, those guys who hold open doors and give reassuring pats on the back and sit patiently outside the changing room at department stores. This is in honor of the guys that obligingly reiterate how cute/beautiful/smart/funny/sexy their female friends are at the appropriate moment, because they know most girls need that litany of support. This is in honor of the guys with open minds, with laid-back attitudes, with honest concern. This is in honor of the guys who respect a girl’s every facet, from her privacy to her theology to her clothing style.

This is for the guys who escort their drunk, bewildered female friends back from parties and never take advantage once they’re at her door, for the guys who accompany girls to bars as buffers against the rest of the creepy male population, for the guys who know a girl is fishing for compliments but give them out anyway, for the guys who always play by the rules in a game where the rules favor cheaters, for the guys who are accredited as boyfriend material but somehow don’t end up being boyfriends, for all the nice guys who are overlooked, underestimated, and unappreciated, for all the nice guys who are manipulated, misled, and unjustly abandoned, this is for you.

This is for that time she left 40 urgent messages on your cell phone, and when you called her back, she spent three hours painstakingly dissecting two sentences her boyfriend said to her over dinner. And even though you thought her boyfriend was a chump and a jerk, you assured her that it was all ok and she shouldn’t worry about it. This is for that time she interrupted the best killing spree you’d ever orchestrated in GTA3 to rant about a rumor that romantically linked her and the guy she thinks is the most repulsive person in the world. And even though you thought it was immature and you had nothing against the guy, you paused the game for two hours and helped her concoct a counter-rumor to spread around the floor. This is also for that time she didn’t have a date, so after numerous vows that there was nothing “serious” between the two of you, she dragged you to a party where you knew nobody, the beer was awful, and she flirted shamelessly with you, justifying each fit of reckless teasing by announcing to everyone: “oh, but we’re just friends!” And even though you were invited purely as a symbolic warm body for her ego, you went anyways. Because you’re nice like that.

The nice guys don’t often get credit where credit is due. And perhaps more disturbing, the nice guys don’t seem to get laid as often as they should. And I wish I could logically explain this trend, but I can’t. From what I have observed on campus and what I have learned from talking to friends at other schools and in the workplace, the only conclusion I can form is that many girls are just illogical, manipulative bitches. Many of them claim they just want to date a nice guy, but when presented with such a specimen, they say irrational, confusing things such as “oh, he’s too nice to date” or “he would be a good boyfriend but he’s not for me” or “he already puts up with so much from me, I couldn’t possibly ask him out!” or the most frustrating of all: “no, it would ruin our friendship.” Yet, they continue to lament the lack of datable men in the world, and they expect their too-nice-to-date male friends to sympathize and apologize for the men that are jerks. Sorry, guys, girls like that are beyond my ability to fathom. I can’t figure out why the connection breaks down between what they say (I want a nice guy!) and what they do (I’m going to sleep with this complete ass now!). But one thing I can do, is say that the nice-guy-finishes-last phenomenon doesn’t last forever. There are definitely many girls who grow out of that train of thought and realize they should be dating the nice guys, not taking them for granted. The tricky part is finding those girls, and even trickier, finding the ones that are single.

So, until those girls are found, I propose a toast to all the nice guys. You know who you are, and I know you’re sick of hearing yourself described as ubiquitously nice. But the truth of the matter is, the world needs your patience in the department store, your holding open of doors, your party escorting services, your propensity to be a sucker for a pretty smile. For all the crazy, inane, absurd things you tolerate, for all the situations where you are the faceless, nameless hero, my accolades, my acknowledgement, and my gratitude go out to you. You do have credibility in this society, and your well deserved vindication is coming.

My take on Blah Blah Blah...

2009-03-30T08:53:00.001-07:00

O Man! I again and again say this..that I am not a cook and not in any sense will ever be...I actually don't believe I started this post with the phrase 'O Man'..I mean it doesn't really mean that only Men can read it. If you are a girl by any chance and have started reading it this stupid meaningless and nonsensical post then go ahead because in either case this post doesn't make any sense. I think that I am slowly coming under the influence of the phrase O man!, hey Man!, hey dude!, holy cow, o boy! etc etc etc...well i used to use them before too but the frequency has just tripled or maybe quadrapled up since past some 7 months...I am afraid that when I go back to India this time, I am going to shock my padosi waale uncle by greeting him with..'Hey Old man wassup?' it is not funny at all but i still kinda want to see my Mom's expression...ye Indian moms have a great tendency of tokofying you in front of everyone and anyone...even if you grow up to be 40..it doesn't imply that I am 40, but at the rate things are going, I dont think my mom is ever gonna change her habit anytime sooner and as Sally of 'When Harry met sally' fame said, someday I am gonna be 40, it is out there sitting for me'...anyways so the point here is that I was video chatting with one of my sister in law and she is pretty much my age so I didn't see a point of saying 'namaste' and all, so I said, hey bhabhi! how are you...and my mum who was also there, and I didn't realize, immediately said...'namaste nai hoti hai bhabhi se?' and even though I was on a video chat I felt like a 5 year old again and went pink...what a starting to a nice relationship with my sister in law..in other words, 'mummy ne dho daala', and for those who dont know what this phrase means, then please I would rather suggest that you go back to basics and check out the typical Mumbaiyaa type of language....bcoz i picked it from somewhere i dont really remember. well I am prety sure if my sis read this post, her first comment would be, "your language is going to gutters"
I mean even my mum comes online these days and says 'hey..sup? everything cool?'
initially i was shocked but now i m getting used to it bcoz she picked this language from us itself..wow smart mom.isnt she? i coiuldnt be prouder ...
By the way I have some amazing theroies abound from some of my family members...some are just in the hypothesis stage but someday they will be published stories no doubt about that...
well sample this, once my sis had a aweful tooth ache right in the middle of night and she had nothing..no pain killers and no clove oil of course...so she had to bear it anyways...but right that moment a brilliant idea stuck her..which could have even embarassed and shocked Newton out of his wits, trust me..so she thought that if she supplied something to eat for the bacteria hammering and pounding and eventually infesting on her tooth, then she might be able to distract the pathogen and it might leave her tooth alone and rather infest on something better and soft and some fresh food so she ate some cookies and bingo! it worked...I am not kidding dude...it did work...even the pathogen is confused how it fell for the trap...

sample theory 2: Well like every wife my mum still at times.... (read most of the times) complains about my dad's habits..which she hates but hasnt given up on complaining till date...amazing patience...i have to admit...anyways so whenever my mum opens her complaint register, my dad suddenly loses his power of hearing and then he gave me an idea..why doesnt anyone create a filter for the ears, so that the unwanted things do no enter the ears and then the brain and should be filtered out, in that case we would be saving ourselves so much of brain, and stress and energy required to process that useless info. not a bad idea...are any engineers listening...well in that case, I am an engineer too did I tell you guys...but now I am going to be amazing combo and I love proteins so maybe i could screw up the proteins in the brains (read enzymes, and those out of field read blank bcoz anyways u wont get it, no offence) so we could actually filter some useless info...
anyways as I havent invented anything of that sort till date so you could do a better job by skipping this useless post and save your energy if you have any by the end of this post and also some of your brain, if you have any..at all..that was so rude....i know...but still no offence :)

P.S. I guess the number of mispelled words actually went down with this post, but my friends who think they are still bad, i think I am going to write posts and make it available to public for further editing, bcoz i have a very bad habit of not reading my posts once I am done..same as I used to do with my essays till 12th grade, they were so long anyways that forget my poor teachers, I would also not dare to re read the manuscript once done...but I think I make such mistakes due to typing, otherwise my spellings arent that bad....I know I have a come a long way from grade 1 where I used to spell no one as 'noone' and put puctuation marks like commaand full stops in the begining of the fresh line if there was no space in the above one.
something like...
I am citizen of India
, which is a great country..blah blah blah..
now you must be wondering how can anyone do that, but trust me I did it when I was a kid and ask my sis she will ratify it immediately in blood (read ketchup) bcoz she was so embarassed when my teacher pointed it out to her..."N I dont believe she is your sister, i mean look at your english(read top grades) and look at hers (read not bottom but buried grades, somewhere underground..)..it is unbelievable...My sis also threatened to disown me infront of whole school if i didnt improve...Anyways blogs arent the exact place to practice your grammar, they are for whatever BSing you want to do....and it sabout random thoughts..i fele if I start editing my posts then I would be bored to death reading them and they would sound so formal and all...but still I should try to be a little careful with what I post online....even if I am the only one reading it. Ten years down the lane my kids would find it somehow and then they would point it out to me and their friends.. "see my mommy sucked in her spellings, how can she ask us to spell 'indivisual' as 'individual'?
How insightful and foresightful...well the second one(foresightful) is not a word...let me tell you before you start doubting your own vocab skills, but it kinda sounds right to me...so before that day comes actually I should get better with my typing errors...and form my next post I will...why the hell this google blog doesnt have a auto spell correct tool..beats me to think of it...
anyways..the point is that ignore my spellings if you can, unlike my first grade English teacher and I would be more than happy... :) (See i am already beaming... )

Observations...I guess that goes well..not really sure..

2009-03-22T20:48:00.000-07:00

I hate to give my posts specific titles..not because I don't know what I am writing, but because, I write about such a variety of stuff in just one post and digress like crazy..so I don't really know that by the end what my post should be actually called...anyways...read this..maybe you'd know...
So I would again say what I haven't said before. NYC is an amazing place. Definitely the most happening in its own way and it stands out..not just because of the tall sky scrapers and the buildings which are so tall that even if your walking at the slowest of speeds you wont really get to the topmost storey of it, as you would be shoved around by the crowd of people walking around, hurrying to reach their destinations. I never quite understand where everyone is hurrying to? is the world coming to an end? is everyone there so short of time, to put it frankly, i at times feel embarrassed for wandering and at worse loitering there in the streets with freinds for no reason, except for kiling time...or more aptly for looking for some nice place to eat. Nevertheless, I love the place, more for the reason, that I see so much of diversity there. I walk the streets and I keep out on looking for the different people, walking around me. so similar but yet so different. I have somehow always admitted to the fact that God is the most creative person present, though we barely know what he looks like.
For once picture this, everyone has the facial features right in the same places, or same locus on the faces but yet we all look so different. I mean we all have a forehead followed by eyes, cheekbones, nose, chin, but we all still look so unique and different. I have a weird habit of wathcin people, as they move around me. By observing them I keep thinking, where they come from, where they might be going? whose the person walking next to them? are they happy? do their eyes look sad? are they a victim of vanity, are they rich or just making ends meet? kids, old people, lovers...every face has a story for me...every set of eyes says something to me...or atleast i feel that way. I look at the people in fine woollens, all laughing holding huge macy's bags and carrying the most prized collection of bags...and then I saw this man, lying in the corner of the same sidewalk, all cold, and maybe asleep or maybe dead..no one looked...no one cared....the paradox shocks me and pains your heart too. maybe he has problems that he cant deal with..maybe someone is waiting for him at home....who can really say...i cant't even i look at him, feel bad and then get lost in my world or maybe the next couple I see there holding hands, looking happy...or maybe the old couple that looked so happy and contended...the way you look when you hear your son/daughter is coming back home after a long time....their faces radiant with the glow that radiates from their heart...the paradox shocks me..I at times can feel the emotions...drifting in the air...sometimes caught by a hand that cares and a heart that loves, but most times jst flowing by uncared...
I see the guy walking in an armani suit, with the most expensive of phones and way too busy to look around either to appreciate the beauty or to spare a thought for the pain and suffering, right after him I see the old hag, scurrying to her home, with the worried eyes, thinking about herself and people like her...trying to make ends meet.....I see the business guy...late for some important meeting and then a school girl...heading to her home..holding tightly her little brother.s hand..not to lose him in the crowd...everyone is busy...too busy to look, too busy to care....too busy to spare a thought....a mother with her son...people standing dressed up as artists and statue of liberty in that chilly wind..to smile with everyone...to earn up some good money to buy their sons and daughters a nice warm scarf or coat....and the guy selling the sausages in that brutal cold....they are like these flowers...which are standing tall in the bright and always alive Times square, but even though they got lucky enough to stay there forever, they are not even looked at...no one cares about them, they all ignore thme to see the bright and lit up Times square...a life wasted....and worst the pollution from carbs and expensive mercs killing them slowly...with the tall buildings around condescendingly telling them each day..how worthless their lives are and how uncared their beauty is...
Once my friend had told me that she hated to see off people or pick them up from stations and airports...i never fully understood why...because...as a person, I love to sit there and feel the hustle bustle around me..both the places...are so full of emotions and feelings that you can actually feel them in the air around you...when people leave..the sadness, when people meet..their happiness..the joy of hugging your loved one...to see them come back safe and sound...little kids..playing around..so oblivious of anyone departing or coming in...but busy with their own lives...to care a damn....it is so beautiful....like a barrel overflowing with emotions...a mesh..of feelings....feel it sometime...try to look at the eyes of people..to read their stories...to relate to their lives, even if just for few moments....it is an out of the world feeling...incomparable to anything....everyone has the capability to feel their own heart..but try to read someone eyes whom you just dont know at all..if u have the heart...you will know what I am trying to say...but in the meantime...I will continue with my life....happy obeserving... :)

just me and my dreams....I seriously miss you maa and pa

2009-02-10T20:20:00.000-08:00

I was trying to sleep peacefully and then I woke up startled...calling out 'mummy'...and when I opened my eyes to look around..my mum was not there...this is the second time in the past half year when I was actually woken up by my own voice calling out to my maa....i was disturbed after that dream...too disturbed..i hate to sleep...these days...in a way i like it because dreams are the only place that know no boundaries and take me near my family but they are so fragile and delicate and when they break..and i open my eyes..i feel more lonely that ever....
i always wanted to be on my own and i always wanted to be brave and strong..when I came here I was happy.because I had no one to help me in everything not my family or my elder cousin who has always been around me like a protective covering keeping me safe and pampered and protected I was happy to have finally become independent in the truest sense..to loose the tag of 'Baby' which was like my nickname for past...some 20 years..even if I grew up..but I was overprotected and I sometimes wanted to have my own experiences in this big bad evil world and see it for myself...not to take favors form anyone around..to finally feel what its like being grown up....I had made up my mind and one reason why I didn't go back home in the winter vacations was because I want to make myself strong..emotionally ...not to miss my family so much..not to crave for my home that frequently..but after spending the longest time away from my family..my life I have realized that I am not strong and what I always perceived as to be brave and strong...away from your family..was not actually Brave...either a person can be emotionally dry or b like me..it hurts at times to be miles away from your folks.....i dont tell anyone around me because I dont want to sound weak...i keep it to my lonely self and never express it but the fact is that sometimes even the video chatting doesnt help....you feel so drained. lonely and weak without your folks...and I know I would get bored even if i stayed for a month at home with nohting to do..but at the moment I crave for their one hug, one pat on my back, to sit with them in the evening while they have their work discussions and I feel so bored....their one kiss...i miss the way my mum used to wake me up...the way my dad used to feel proud of me and always say that.infront of others.....i miss the time when i used to play radiocity at blaring volumes every morning and the way my dad and me used to fight over the remote control to lower the volume....i miss them..i miss the way i teased my sis...and drove her crazy..i crave for my mums food....the way when i used to be so tired and she used to make me eat before going to bed no matter what..the way she used to get angry when i bought skimmed milk for myself....as compared to full cream load...the way she used to keep complaining about my eating habits..the way my sister used to kick me out of the kitchen while cooking so I dint mess around....the way i used to book the idiot box to watch roadies every sat. when my dad had the urgent need to watch news....i miss them...i miss my home...i crave for their love which cant somehow reach me....it is too far off...they miss me too i know...lately my dad has started saying 'miss you my son'..which is something he has never done...
everyday when i cross the road...here ....I wonder what if a speeding car comes and hits me and i never open my eyes...what if i never get to see my folks again before i die? what if i never get to say goodbye....that is the last wish of mine to be near my family when i leave finally....i wonder this is such a small life and we all are scattered in the four directions....we would never get to spend the time together...as we all used to....life is short and i dont have any right to complain...I achieved what i always wanted but is this all..there is everything here but then it all comes at a very huge price..and that is loneliness..i feel envious of the people i see at the stores here...people with their families...kid with their mum and dads..holding their hand...feeling the eternal bliss which even they arent aware of at the moment....everyone is so lonely here..in the past half an year..i have heard this word zillions of times....form everyone her who is away form his/her family....everyone is lonely..there is no life here...and that is so true....i want my family too..they are my strength..and without my strength how can i go ahead....i 'might not be 'brave' in my terms but i dont want to be one..now..without our loved ones you cant be brave...because they are the strength that you show on your face..they are the daring that resides in your heart...and if they are not close then form where is that daring gonna come from? it is ironic...i see people here..they are emotionally dry...most of them....and they are the ones who never miss their folks...but i dont want to be emotionally dead...towards my folks and family...they are the ones who cultivated the emotions in me..they are the ones who taught me to love....they are the my biggest teachers..who taught me what unconditional love is...i m sorry but i can never be brave...i m like this...and i will always remain like this but in a way i m proud of myself and my emotions...you might call me an emotional fool but i dont care....who knows where god is and when he created you..I have never seen him but i have seen the two most beautiful people in this world...the people who held me when I was a helpless crying baby...definitely know the two people who brought me into this world..showed me the way of life..always held my hand and guided me int he right direction...and they are my true creators in every sense....people tend to forget this but I am glad that even after so many years of spending my life..i still have my faith and my love for them....
I miss you mum and dad and di...I dont say that to you..because i dont want you to be worried about me....but I really miss you....i cant wait to get back home...and hug you...to feel your love..to be under your protection....to see the glow in your eyes when you see me....to touch your warm hands..to have the worlds best food...to just feel the comfort of being near you...away from all the worries of this big bad world...mum..this world is a big bad place and there is no one like you and dad here to take care of me....no one here has the eyes that say everything and make you feel so much better on your worst days without actually saying a word..no one has the shoulder or rather a lap where i can cry my heart out and say everything i want to....no one cares maa...i miss you and dad everyday and every moment that I am away from you....but i m learning to be strong maa..and will be...a brave son of my dad one day...
lots of love....
your 'son'

Damn Fire alarm.... :(

2009-02-01T11:17:00.000-08:00

Now today was the worst start one could possibly imagine for a sunday...one very very bad thing about staying on campus is that they have damn sensitive fire alarms in the buildings and the apartments...and they are so shrill and loud that they can infact wake up the dead then we are very much alive and kicking. But the point that inrigues me to no end is that who the hell was up in the grad housing at 9:30 on sunday to cook...or mayeb they were poor things like me who were trying to make some coffee, eggs and cereal..but then what could possibly burn so bad that it triggered the fire alarm..I literally fell out of my bed and i was cursing my cell' alarm not quite understanding how come it became so shrill and loud overnight....and that too without my due permission as I dont even bother to set alarm for sundays anymore...and then I realized that it was the fire alarm and i started to walk out n then i realized i wasnt wearing anything warm as it was 2 deg cel outside. so i came back to grab my jacket, keys, cell...now if you ask me why i picked up my cellphone and not the wallet with my debit card...then i dont have any logical answer for that....as my damaged head is still sleepy...well i knocked on my flatmates door because they penalize you if the fire alarm is off and you are still in...i mean this is ridiculous..what if someone plans to die...its their choice isnt it...
Now people hav weird reactions in case of such emergencies....
well for me...the first time this happened I was confused what to take along with me...my wallet? cell? passprt? my original degrees and academic credntials? my ipod? my laptop?
well i ended up takin my passpart and nuthing else..
My flatmate was worried about her marriage certificate the original copy....so she left her passprt and took her certificate...
her comments on todays fiasco was..."it is rude to wake up grad students so early(9:30 a.m.) on a sunday morning..." and my chakku and mutthu must be all confused and might be dying because of the noise...lemme tell you chakku and mutthu are her beta fishes..who would be provided with ear plugs from now on.
and my third flatmate...only curses her way out of her sleep to downstairs....nothing much....I ususlly dont curse because I always have this fear in my mind that next time it could be easily me...at the rate I have been burning food....and then I have to open widnows and fan the fire sensor in the living room standing on that couch....
and as they say what goes around comes around..i hope these culprits treat me the same...too..last time it was 1 in the morning when the alarm went off...
my flatmates are so scared to leave me alone when I am cooking...and they make sure that I either I have a rope or a saree to climb down from the window in case of an extreme fire... but I havent burnt anything till now...hopefully I wont do it in near future....but one thing i appreciate about all this is the sincerity and the prompt response of the cops and the security personnel. They are here in less than five minutes after the defeaning alarm..do i need to say that had it been in India, the building would have probably burnt down before the cops even pick up thier ringing phone....
anyways the good thing about all this fire alarm going off today is that I woke up early and had lots of time to waste....oops to do something constructive like readins, cooking et al. but due to some reasons I couldnt cook so I am thiking to attack my flatmates food ..which they asked me to take freely.... :)
bless them...

Beautiful Love....Pain.and..Unrequited love....

2009-01-29T19:38:00.000-08:00

I am listening to the song 'reason, by Hoobastank and it makes me wonder about perfect person theory we use so frequently in our daily life.....it is a beautiful track provided you really ignore the video..which couldn't be more unrelated....
I dont know what they say when they say love is blind but I do know that being in love must be the best feeling on this earth...it helps you meet yourself..to know yourself better, to think for a change, to recognize your true self as we never know how capable we are of giving out love for anyone till you meet your mr/ms perfect...it must be a great feeling..with stars in your eyes and dreams in the daytime...waiting up for someone..just so that you could fight with him when he comes late and then try to show your anger at him....that you are so damn angry but somewhere you are not and you were so sick worrying about what might have caused the delay....looking into his eyes and then looking for some love for yourself when they might be overflowing with feelings for you.....people always say that it is so hard to judge people in this world....even by looking at their faces and but think for a sec ..is it? well i think it is not hard to see the love in someone eyes that is just meant for you....i have never been in true love kinda thing but people say as if i have been married a thousand times..to understand the subtleties of human nature, and the implications of love and liking...but i always wonder..how can you not see someone looking at you across the room....spotting you everywhere you go and trying to look innocent if you caught them staring....is it that hard to just listen to their thoughts even across the most crowded room ever...where the noise is deafening your soul and ears too.....love has to be beautiful...fighting with someone for every little thing and argue every day atleast once..to make sure you get to listen to him...even if just to gauge his mood....there can be nothing...like being able to spend your entire life with someone whom you love and about whom you would really care ..but how many people get it that way?
One of my American friend C had an affair for 6 years with and Indian girl and then the girl got married to someone else due to parental pressure....i cant even understand how hurt he must have been....
i dont know when people say that love is not about having each other in the end but it is complete in itself if it is expressed once....in the true and genuine way to each other...is that so...It forces me to think...is that possible if you really someone and commit your life to another..would you be able to forget your past love..your life...isnt it cheating in a silent way....wont your heart ever cry for your past flame...wont you ever wonder that how different your life would eb had you been still together....
hearts break and life jeopardize but life goes on unnoticed and unruffled...no one is perfect...not me not you...no one but then why do we always keep looking for the perfect on? love isnt a deer for whom you go hunting but it is something that happens to you...like life...my friends in grad school always keep on telling me about their love life, break ups..and how lonely they are here..how they want to find someone for them..someone who is nice and caring and would be there to depend on in any and every situation...I know it gets lonely here..far from home and from family and surrounded with stress but I still think that hunting for love is not going to help either..live for today...and if you are meant to be in it you will find him/her by default without any efforts....love is wonderful no wonder why everyone wants to fall in it...but i think love is definitely complete if your loved one is happy and gets what he/she wants...even if its not you..but the grudge would never die and the hurt would never fade....but then there are some who are worse off ...they dont really have the right even to love....think about them....if you understand why i say this then its ok..if not then I cant expatiate....but my heart cries out to them....they have no option than to wait for the destiny to come as their savior....

Maybe the title should read Teaching as an experience..but there is much more to it that you will realize when you actually read ...

2009-01-28T20:47:00.000-08:00

It is a surprising but I have mostly fumbled on the new things in my life that turned out to be so very interesting for me..that I love them and never want to give up...we all just fumble on everything in life...love, life, dreams, people, friends and a lot of things...
well I finally started to teach this semester and trust me the first day and that was last tuesday...I was so so nervous, tense and clueless..I even thought if the prospects of running away...after considering the options like a severe snow storm..but I would never know how severe is actually sever for these people...because when I think it is severe they never close down the campus ..not even today...there was a slush and it sucked...I was so scared to step out afraid of slipping on the ice...somewhere and since morning I have heard from two of my friends their painful stories of slipping on ice and it wasnt actually very pleasant..my parents have been paranoid even since I told them that i actually went to play in snow..but then snow and ice are really different...man snowfall isnt actually that great as I thought it to be.... anyways that apart.....I was so nervous and then everyone in my dept. had actually been so bugged with my questions that they decided to ban me form their labs and few started tearing their hair out....now this is called horrible exaggeration..actually they all were really sweet and they helped me a lot to soothe me and make m feel good bout it...and they all wished me as if I was actually going on a war....but then I had to face the class and I reached there early..that is my way of relaxing my tensed nerves..before any frantic situation and then I walked around ...but when the kids came in..though they looked frivolous..that word is synonymous with the undergrads here.....girls all set...made up like dolls...man..i never even remember to put on a lipstick ever in my life and there they were all dolled up like pin up poster girls...and the guys were all set as if for a date....but the pink boots of the girls and their nailpaints with patterns were the ones that actually made even my fingers blush....anyways I was nervous and all but to look at them was even worse..they looked at me with kinda mixed feelings of sorry, pity and scrutinizing gazes....thinking of the TA as a poor chap stuck with wrong career choice...tch tch..i could literally hear that tch tch part....apart from that I was sure that they were nervous too....some maybe hating me already and cursing me....but it was fun to teach and I was actually interactive with the class...and I take pride in it because I faced a pack of undergrads who were themselves afraid of me....and cudnt hide it....I am glad that I taught in my life so now I know that some day I could make a teacher..i dont know good or bad...but yes a teacher or a professor someday...without trying I could have never known that I could actually teach....not after the encouragement i received from my little cousin whom i taught english and maths and who ran away from me..jst after the second class and I had to literally bribe him to come back and also to say nice things in my teaching evaluation.....though he dint seem very pleased about it alll...but anyways...it is interesting to watch the kids as they behave in the class..some are so quite and like to be by themselves...some dont talk at all but they score the best ..some people are friendly and they try to know you..at times to the point of hitting on you....which is rather amusing..seeing the kids hitting on their TA's maybe in hope of getting good scores...or whatever....some always pass smiles to you..and others are just so excited to be in the class and have so many questions in their little curious brains..it is interesting to watch them....I have always been the type of a person who enjoys observing people..there is so much diversity in this world and everyone is so unique....and noticing them is kinda nice..it makes you wonder about a lot of things....pain, happiness, content, frustration..everyone has their feelings written all over their face, eyes, body language and it is interesting to observe the nuances of human behavior....
Maybe I will talk about it some other time..this time all I want to say is that one should always be ready to try new things in life because you never know what could be the best thing for you....and what you might be good at?
try out everything you want to before you pass out of time...and at worse life ....well i too have my list all set...and I will make sure that I cross out everything on it till I have time...so have new experiences and have fun..till next time...

some serious random crap.....

2009-01-28T20:28:00.000-08:00

People and perceptions change with time....and I have seen it in my case...it is so surprising but I always hear people say I know myself so well...but to tel you the truth I still wake up in the mornings rubbing my eyes and then I do things during my day...that surprise me and then I THINK..oH my i have spent sucha huge chunk of my life without knowing that I was actually capable of doing this too...its funny and at times scary..funny because I feel sorry for people who say that they know themselves so very well and scary because I think that if this took me such a long time to discover then maybe there are going to be many things that I will not even realize before leaving this world..what a waste not to know wyourself ....what a waste of god's sincere creations..well the word sincere can be used for all....god put ina lot of hard work and lov ein creating each one so unique...and we never realize and waste it, after coming here I realized that I could actually cook without burning food..and that too cook really well..the one thing I have been running away from whole of my life...I still hate it and virtually live on cereals....god bless the creator of cereals and that too cereals in a place like states where even band aids has a 5 feet tall and 10 feet long racks in stores to pick up a simple band aid..well i think too many choices have started driving me crazy....you could spend your entire life in a store and will never be done....but in case of cereals I am happy....I have some 10 packs of cereals as a back p in my closet. best and the easiest to amke and to digest as well...no hassle and you really dont haev to worry about dishes....but in worst case sceanarios I can spare cereals and survive on some real food..I know now....
man i wonder the way i digress from my topic...well then I also reaized that I actually like teaching I am taking a class this semester for the Undergrads and it is so much fun.
Well I have to write a seperate blog for that one because that was a unique experience for me...
anyways...the thing is that after landing here my perceptions have changed about a lot many things....
earlier I used to look up in the sky at the planes and wave to them as a kid and I always thought that one day I will fly to states..jee haan..hard to beleive but I dont know I always had this gut feeling of coming here ever since I saw the disneyland of California and Florida on the disney hour...initially it was a stupid desire of a innocent kid...but then it turned into a passionate aim for my life to study here....and I am glad that I succeeded in acheiving it by god's grace n lots of hard work....but now I look up at the planes flying in the sky and I feel angry at that peice of flying metal...I somehow blame it for bringing me so far from my home and mom and dad....
It sounds stupid to begin with but when you stay so far you kinda start blaming every thing around you at times....its not so easy to stay so far from our family....and I miss them too...most of the time...and some days are even worse....as i like to put it..all days are bad but some days are just worse than the rest.

some harsh facts...

2009-01-18T20:35:00.000-08:00

'Do beautiful people or maybe the attractive ones have it very easy in this world..'
but why?
in a recent audition of a reality show one of the judges said that it is absolutely fair for girls to manipulate guys at times..because guys already have so much of a say esp in a country like India. Does that make any sense..to me it does somewhat..maybe sometimes because it is a easy theory to accept and move ahead..and an easy and comfortable statement to admit too. I cant really say. Many a times I have thought about this fact whether attractive people have it always easy into everything in this world...what if the girl is just another normal girl ....then would the behavior of everyone around would be the same or would it vary. I take any random case..if the girl is nice and attractive then she makes friends smoothly wherever she goes. she gets everyone on her freind list without inviting anyone herself ...is it the first impression of her nicecities good enough or is it just the charming looks that works...I dont really know but one of my guy friends told me once that every who helps a girl has something on his mind..Guys are complex...to understand...I dont really want to rule out the fact that there is a dearth of good guys or people in general but he told me as a matter of fact and it forced me to think once again.
Does this world still lay all the importance on the exteriors of a person without really judging a person...maybe the beauty within plays an important role later but are attractive looks so important for the initial push...I cant really say because I dont have any answer for that..Maybe the guys can tell better..but my curiosity still rages on and I want an answer for that...for this one i wont say anything maybe someone can tell me about it..its a harsh fact to admit but i think it is true.i want to say many a things still but haven't found the expression for them as yet...
I have many unanswered questions which I would love to know the answer someday...

A new way of life in a new world.....- a sneak preview...

2008-09-20T20:37:00.000-07:00

life has been so damn hectic ever since i realized what Phd and its commitment was all about..abhi se ye haal hai mera when i havent even begun my research..n bhaiyya itna asaan nai hai..u still have to clear the phd qualifier and prove that you are worthy of even touching the cuvettes and micropippetes in their labs...so i m still looking forward to it...
i mean it is saturday tonight and i know that i wait for fridays here..man i deserve them more than the anyone in the whole world.....i swear that..well i dont know of others but my countdown starts right from my monday morning alarm and i am thinking of waht to do this friday.....imagine....and i feel like it is my birth day when finally friday arrives...that is the only day when i really relax....and have fun....and live my life...whih i have forgotton totally during the busy week....i love fridays....i mena they even have a restaurant here 'T.G.I.F' i.e. thank god its friday.....i eman why cant we just have friday saturday and sundays...do we really need the middle days....i dotn think so....anyways by the way ever since columbus discovered america I have made the next big discovery of my life here...and that is I am a great cook..though I know my mom and sister have a hard time taking this fact into their brains and I am even sure that if they saw me cooking here my mom would probably faint and my sister wudnt believe her eyes....I mean I not only cook but i cook really well and that is not all i mean I am not the only one to say that...I have a fan club for my cooing to..who can testify for this anytime.... so I cook here ...bulk food on sundays and then ahve the same thing whole damn week....our fridge in the apartment has been begging us to be let off for a while so it can heave a igh of relief...and the only thing that our freezer asks for every time you open it is a safety belt kind of thing to strap everything into it or maybe a helmet for ourselves..I mean its not new for me...my cupboard back home has been like this for years now and every time you take the risk of opening it more than two things wud fall on you to welcome you....maybe more than two...so dont complain later that i dint warn you about this..anyways i m sure no one in theis entire world is anytime interested in opening my cupboard...but this freezer..we four people are very much interested in opening it...to retrieve our daily food...that is freezing in there...i have plenty of frozen paranthas in there...as the only toughest part of indian cuisine that i ahvent mastered is the chapati...man why the hell it has to be so complicated ....my problem starts right form the dough making step and it ends with the papad kind of stuff in place of chapatis....
I just pray that our freezer might not be dead by the time we get home tomorrow..which has a high probability...as our microwave sighed his last two days back....god knows what was his problem though....i mena it should have learnt a thing ortwo frm our dear super stuffed freezer..i wish they made freezers of some elastic material that can infinitely stretch..and even more in a place like US where poeple have nearly forgotton about fresh food ....and the kids only know that the frozen food to be the only kind of food present in the world..
but the best part about this america is that we get indian foodstuff though it is 10 times more expensive..indian hi indian ko loot raha hai bhai....u say that...behind every robbed indina here is another indian.....but anyways we get it....so im surviving on that...and haan as i write i also remember that it has been full one month since i landed here...time flies..and moreso when you are studying or trying to study as in my case....i dont feel like it has been one month here..far away form my land and family and everyone....so my this blog is dedicated in the honour of this day when i celebrate my coming here and surviving it for one month...
everything here is quite cool except the fact that i am supposed to meet up with my study group tomorrow and when they actualyl said to come prepared to discuss first 2 lectures of Prof. I was full of zeal then and insisted on doing the first three in place of two..it was friday my frend and i was in high spirits....so now to tell you the fact i ahvent even started with my second lecture and it is already 8 p.m. abhi izzat ka sawaal hai toh i dont even want to call them and beg myself off from it...now i have to do it...well i ahve also turned into an insomaniac and the credit for that goes to the strong coffee here...I am fresh whole night ...even when i felel like calling it a day..i dont get any sleep....but i have sworn on the 30 day celebration of America coming that I am going to reduce the intake of coffee from now on and try and concentrate without it....
and i guess i should be headed back to my lecture no. 2...i have to prepare it for tomorrow....now i dont know when to study here..as it was sunday half of my time goes into maintaining my active social life and the rest into maintaining my active cooking life if i want to survive on edible vegetarian food for the rest of the week...where is the time to study....
rest is good..except that i need to maintain an active student life here too and i am headed into doing that right now....so wish me luck....

Matters of Life and Death....

2008-07-15T20:32:00.000-07:00

Life and death have nearly always mystified and stupefied me…and I still think that I don’t exactly understand these 2 things completely…when I was young I always thought that death is a very very ominous word and even worse thing but I could never understand its full implications..i used to see people carrying a corpse or cremation at the distant cremation grounds which was on the roadside nearby…I used to feel goosebumps on my arms then and I saw people weeping uncontrollably..and all shatterd and destroyed…I felt real upset for them….and used to cling to my dad even more…..but it was just that for me.. when my grandpa passed away..we went there for his last rites and found everyone telling us kids not to snigger or smile in there and remain calm and quite..well that was the first shock..i mean though small we were but we atleast knew this..didn’t we?

I had this younger cousin who used to tell us about her past life when she was such a small kid…and she used to talk like a complete grown up at an age when children are not even able to speak out their name without prattling….we all were stunned..she told us everything about her house in Dehra Dun to her sons, daughter-in-law..whom she supposedly did’nt like much..her grandsons whom she loved dearly..her room location, her personal box and then her cause of death which was due to a car accident while going from dehra dun to mussorie…as the car lost control and fell off the cliff…

This further added to my disillusioned perceptions….and I was left pondering over all this…I was then too young to fathom the reincarnation theory..but I had my take on that too.in my own way

I used to wonder seriously about my previous lifetimes…I was always fantasized to listen to such stories..and even more when I saw one right in our family….i wanted to know about my previous lifetime and my family, my home, my cause of death

I truly used to think that when I will die in this birth I will write everything about my personal life on a piece of a paper and then clutch it tightly in my hand and I would still have it in my next birth…and so I would also know about this lifetime in the next…and how exciting that would be..but I had this critical mind to take care of the hurdles in the way..and that was to first create an inflammable paper. Which could survive everything…

Now I feel how silly I really was…and laugh at myself everytime I am reminded of this…

Now as I grew up my worries took an absolutely different turn..and I started to worry that if I die in between then I would have to start studying right from the very scratch and that wasn’t such a pleasant idea..i mean c’mon..we spend more than half of our live…nearly 25-28 years of life studying hard in order to enjoy our lives in future..and then comes the job part which is even more tedious…and less enjoyment..and then the family..even busier and then finally we get some time free in our old age..when we have lots of money….but we don’t have the right kind of heath to enjoy life nor the right kind of teeth left to enjoy all kinds of food…and that’s assuming you stay out of the deadly diseases like diabetes and cholesterol hi/lo BP etc….

But seriously I used to worry about it a lot…about possible ways to preserve my knowledge and brain..it is so sad that we have to start from a scratch…all over again…from A..B…C…D….and 1…2….3….4…. that’s really sad..

You wont believe that when my GRE exam headed near…I was so scared and protective concerning my head..i even wanted to wear a helmet while at my home to prevent any head injuries..major or minor..because I used to wonder that just in case if I got a head injury and I had amnesia..meri saari mehnat pe paani fir jaayega ….because all my GRE wordlist was in there which had taken months of hard work to memorize..and ratofy would go blank in one sec. ….i couldn’t bear to think about it…but thank god I stayed safe till the D-day…..

Coming back to my death and life story…well I believe that lucky ali’s song maut from kaante is kinda clear description of this unique phenomenon…

There is another world out there and its even more beautiful and free than it is in here….i dont fear death like many others who do anything to stay away from it….i know when it would come I would welcome it but I just look forward to a peaceful one atleast..not much khoon kharaba…I don’t want to die under a truck/bus/train..thats not really that peaceful and I don’t even want to be any kind of responsibility or liability on anyone..i just want to go away before I get bed ridden…but this doesn’t mean that I am looking forward to it right tomorrow..i want to live abhi filhaal ye VRS scheme is not for me….i believe that death can be very liberating..people who have near death exp. Tell fascinating stories about the world beyond this physical world….it must feel so good to shed all your weight…and the all the baggage of guilt, pain, feelings, everything and floating away to infinity…

I wonder how people cling to their lives dearly..they keep on collecting wealth until it becomes filth..i believe one should have sufficient but not excess…I still wonder what do Tata and Ambani’s do with so much of money….hmphhh..

Always screws me up…is a private jet for a gift makes you that happy than one’s one handmade handkerchief or card..which has so much love gone into its making …I fail to understand how people (for instance the govt. officials) can buy things for their family which they earn by swindling the poor and burning big holes in the pockets of the needy....do they get to have a peaceful night sleep ?..or do they have nightmares?…do they ever feel more contented than a 9 to 5 job waala hard working middle class people? Try helping a poor sometime and you’d know which content feeling I am talking of…..

Don’t they realize that we all have to leave one day and then all this wealth is useless…and all these misdeeds will have to be paid for….we wouldn’t take a single penny out of here…just our soul..but how people stay so ignorant and instead of enriching their soul they enrich and nourish their bank accounts which would be no good….one day….

Its such a simple fact but not many people realize it….its funny..how people can act so silly….life is to enjoy and to learn…now this doesn’t meant that we don’t study and just fool around..but enjoy in other ways..gathering knowledge is also a part of the wisdom acquiring process….which none can escape and even if u want to I m sure your parents wont let u do it…

But what saddens me is to see the weeping relatives, shattered family..wise people say that soul llives on its like leaving a taxi at this turning and taking a new one at the other one..the passenger remains the same..and we should not be sad because..its all in the karma…and that the soul goes up and takes care of us like a guardian angel….so if one is liberated then we should just think that he has been liberated and now he’s in peace..or maybe already in the form of a child somewhere playing in some mother’s caressing arms..and must have brought so much happiness in someone’s lives so as to brighten it up…

Birth and death are such opposites..but they are opposites because we build relation on this earth and acquire greed too…we have our liabilities and we leave them in between..infact we hardly get to live our life our way…

We come into this world because someone else sends us…we grow up as per our folks want us to..we live as per the norms of this society…which teaches us everything from love to hatred, honesty, modesty, gratitude, selflessness to be wicked, mean, haughty, arrogant, malice ….and we die may or maybe not as per our wish…where does this I fit in…its always others..guiding us….often our behavior is dictated by others too…and not by our whims…

So its but obvious for our loved ones to be upset…when one leave in between…leaving us with nothing but a void and pain to the height of numbness...

Dr. Brian Weiss’s tells us about life after death and re incarnation too in a very profound way…well lemme tell you…I believe in re incarnation, and karma and everything that may sound weird to majority people…he tells us that all our near and dear ones in this lifetime have the roots of our relation ..love or hatred in our previous lifetimes ..its like..my folks may have been my folks in previous lifetimes too..or maybe my best friend and I were sisters ….we never know…but that simply means that love stays and doesn’t die with us…we feel connected to out loved ones over many lifetimes and a group of souls re-incarnate everytime….if we start to think in this way then we would start to love them even more and stop fearing death..because this powerful demon called death is only capable of taking away our material possessions and physical body…nothing else from our heart….the love stays and grows and the bonding gets deeper everytime…even death cant destroy it…and its so sad that this love is hardly found alive in this world in present times….that too selfless love…so I guess we should try n spread love and cheer…coz that is the only thing here to stay…

It sounds so enchanting and mysterious at the same time…we spent years to nurture everything in our life..love relations, hopes, career and then in just a flip of an eyelid we are gone..and this thin line is crossed….and that weak thread is snapped and we are nothing but a clear soul remains of our whole being nurtured so carefully over so many years..its so strange yet….true…and we are scared of that momentary..pain in between..of leaving our loved ones all alone..when we wont even feel any pain, sadness as we waft up in the air to start afresh….but then life goes on….

I believe that its more important to live today…I always wake up and say thanx to god ..i confess my love to my parents and friends and tell them through gestures how much I care…because maybe tomorrow is too late…I try and cheer up the people around me and share their sorrows…I keep my temper in control and spread cheer wherever I go I like to see smiling happy faces around me…I aim for new skies everytime and head towards it with full focus and effort…and then aspire for higher skies…i dream a lot ….i don’t want to regret for anything tomorrow on my deathbed…(that’s in case I get to have one)....that I dint do a certain thing..so I live for today…and try to tell others the same too…

Kaun jaane..kal ho naa ho…ye original line hai ..trust me…it’s just a co-incidence that it’s a movie as well….

Feeling confused and nostalgic....

2008-07-14T21:06:00.000-07:00

this bus with the tag line goes so well with my post.....waise this road which leads to freedom is not for me but for someone else..if u want to know whom.then read this blog to the last...if u can bear the torture..or else stay ignorant for ever....

I love thinking…not because i m some great philospher or poet but because i have all the time in the world to do it these days....and that’s what I have been doing so liberally lately..so hmmmmm…hmmm…err.... there I go again…wake up girl....u r in the middle of blog writing…

I have been at the bottom of the scale measuring the social life of anyone…measuring in negative….so all I do is to think…I just want to go and get busy…so something worthwhile…and as soon as this thought hits me…I start wondering about the day when I will leave..and it confuses my feelings right that moment…everyone loves their home and the very thought of leaving your safe have does stir up a lot many apprehensions and thoughts in one’s mind…so far…all by myself..abhi toh mere ko theek se raaste bhi yaad rakhne padenge yaar…that would be occupying another good fraction of my already used and exhausted brain…

I m definitely looking forward to my new life in an entirely different part of the world which I am so used to live in and so enconsed in too…

but then as my mum says..no one acheived anything big while sticking around one's house....

so dude..i gotta go and though i am ambivalent and happy and confused and a little nostalgic abhi se hi but i am all the more worried about my folks..though i have stayed in hostel for four long long years and i have grown up a lot..but mere pa-ma still think of me as their little girl who used to sleep in bathroom on the floor when made to stand to brush her teeth, who never learnt to tie her laces properly, who was always late for her school tempo, ricky and who has been the biggest hurdle in their jobs as she was such a cry baby....who sucked her thumb god knows till when, who played with barbies under the dining table with her frends included (space management).... played hide n seek wearing those payals and as always got caught...and never quite understood why? And not to forget still maarofies thenice cool pens that they get in conference folders and bags…including the last week pen and all the nice folders in dad’s bag…

They just cant accept that i have grown up..finally..though dimagi taur pe thodi si imbecility ke signs hain par keeping this apart from that she has grown up....trust me mummy...

though my culinary skills are as good as it was in class sixth (that means nothing ..nai nai..not even tea n maggi), though i still think ki woh toffees mummy nai santa clause rakhte the....though i am still not a big fan of those aunties who talk in their shrill voices and pull you cheeks in sinister pleasure as if they were made of infinite elastic...saying" arre kitni badi ho gayi hai" even if they met you after a gap of 2 months....

though i still love to irritate everyone….including my parodies on di and i still put salt in teas 'by mistake' when i dont c any guests getting me chocolates ...i still ravage the bags of pa, di and mummy when they return from any trip to anywhere from london to jharkhand for hiddes surprises and gifts though they may be few and far between....and I still love to keep my things scattered on my bed so that it feels like I have company and I still cant fathom the theory of stacks in a cupboard…Arre yaar if I gotta get a thing at the base of that stack..then any law pf physics, dynamics, force cant stop the damn stack to fall down…not my fault….

In all these years of aging where I haven’t shown any progress in intelligence…My folks couldnt even trust me for getting all by myself to home and they never ever sent me alone to my hostel or risk m coming back alone….now that brings sharp memories of my only ever alone bus journey back home....they were so frantic and nervous....as if I was going to cross the Pakistan border illegally…. by bribing the border forces….or going straight to interview osama bin laden….

i was given instructions like don’t get down from the bus, don’t go into deep slumber, don’t take anything including candies cookies, chocolates or fruits from any stranger, don’t take ur hand out of the bus. Window and don’t stand on the door of the moving bus..like u do in trains….actually lemme confess i have a habit of falling sleep at times during my journeys and then...comes the stupidest part....people have stage fear, water fear, height fear,weight fear, ankita fear (that one was made solely to emphasize my point) but guess what....i have this sleeping fear while travelling...bcoz if i fall asleep then my head would loll on in any direction it pleases and if thats not enough...i have this strange fear of my mouth dropping open and worst ....drooling....man that is so pathetic to even think of....

now to get rid of this fear for atleast that memorable journey i asked all my friends to keep giving me missd calls...throughout the way (sab ke sab kanjoos nikle yaar..no one messaged me..or called me..but they only gave me missed calls as i had said) so that i may not fall asleep and scare my padosi passenger…

well apart from that i was all set and reached the bus station safely....and then my bus hunt started...well and lasted for about half an hour..hopping from one bus to another..the ac bus wasnt going for other 4 hours and then there was this fleet of non ac's .....bhaiyya student jeevan isi ko kehte hain...kasht saho aur sahte raho..if you succeed in the end sab tumhara example quote karenge apne chunnu munnu ko...and u will be the next children idol...

like:

PAPA: dekha pados ke sssssss saab ke beti ko ..kahan kahan normal bus ke dhakke khaye us bacchi ne par today she is going abroad ...kuch seekho..main keh deta hoon..ye ped pe baithi chidiya ke ande jaise marks laane se kuch nai hone waala hai...kuch seekho.

chintu: (under his breath cursing ye kaun beti hain yaar...unke papa ko bhi humare hi papa ke office mein hona tha..kya yaar....) nai nai u r mistaken....chintu kuch nai kahega...are bhai humari india mein gusse waale papa ko retort karna is a sin...

and if you dont make it ( i meant fail but it sounded very disparaging so i used a mild expression) then u will be forgotten like the prince...now ask me who prince is...well wahi jise last year...maybe usse bhi last year tubewell ...err...borewell se nikala tha yaar..)

anyways..coming back to my eventful yatra...i finally picked up a bus after i got tired of lugging my luggage on 10-15 buses and taking my mum's call every 10 minutes....for 50 times in between..now this bus was going to move in another 15 minutes....btu unfortunately this bus dint budge until all the aas paas ki buses had left reason being driver kho gaya tha ya maybe so gaya tha..who cares....but after a massive search he came back and then a heavy uncle came and took the seat next to me....darn..i had been expecting someone better....abhi hrithink naa sahi toh kam se kam..i was expecting someone decent as karan grover....(dil mil gaye waala....)

as the bus started...and we finally made a move...the ordered missed calls started pouring in..some with reliance ka cell also made occassional 10 paise waala message..as to where i was and how i was....paying the ticket was a pain again..i could hardly hear with my feeble ears the amount and the engines noise with the horn was defeaning me...the conductor had to shout his lungs out and half of the bus joined him in chorus to tell me the amount....

anyways i was awake and that was more than a reason to celebrate..now my mum was terrified that i might oversleep or maybe i get down to get mirinda and someone runs away with my bori bistara....

main toh nai par mere padosi uncle fell asleep...now babies look far more cuter while sleeping..than he did and specially his head precariously hanging in the air..to fall on wither side...when i had no options..i simply..spilled water on his pants..and he got up never to sleep again....

well after few stops he got down and also made girl sit next to me....(sweet naa...or maybe too terrified to make another uncle fall prey to my antics)

well the girl was sweet seedhi sadi, sushil kanya from a small township....now as she was so amused by the constant vibrating cell..she hit off with conversation and then she told me her life history …that she had come to that place to meet her prospective groom's family who was a business man..i was like stunned...she dint look very old to get married and i started off with my big naari freedom theory...and asked her age but she wasnt sure..and the i blasted with my pravachans...about how she should protest this and shudnt get married and also when she hasn’t even met her groom and how undependable he would be as he was a business man and how she should study and get dependable before settling down and what serious consequences could follow and million ways in which she could be fooled, duped, cheated, divorced, and abandoned....and how she should get her freedom, get to know the guy better and zillion ways how she should go about it...in the end she was more than convinced that she was going to throw up all this marriage proposal thing and should be a free n independent woman...

Well wasnt i proud of myself ?..but also happy that in case my farzineer degree wouldn’t seek me any decent job then the doors of 'Abla - Naari Shakti Morcha Niketans (Women empowerment) will always be open for me..i could mention this one as an active experience...to impress them....one way of income secured....yippee…

she was profusely thanking me by the end of the journey and was a completely transformed and confident girl by the time she got off the bus....

bravo me...!!

i never came to know whether she complied with my POA (plan of action) or was brainwashed later..but it was worth it and kept me from sleeping...agar maine ek ladki ki bhi zindagi bacha li then man..its worth a memorable journey..hann and main apne samman ke saath safely ghar bhi land kar gayi....and meri mum ne mere liye aisa kuch special nai banaya tha as she had a meeting that day...and came late...arre bhai ye sab luxuries to ghar ke bade bachhon ko hi naseeb hoti hain..hum jaison ko kahan...well she also lectured me on how i always got indiegstion and acidity due to 'good food' intolerance after i returned from hostel...well when my sis used to get back frm hers she always had this feisty meal..n my mum used to stand in the garden whole day long with the garland ...now i dont know ki she deliberately came in on weekends or just a co incidence..waise bhi mummy log bade bachchon ke liye toh bahut craze se karti hain as it is first time...and the enthru is there...like the jaya bahaduri of 'Kabhi khushi kabhi gham'..bechare choton ka number toh aane tak they are like tired and just want to get over with it...redundancy..ki best definition yahi hai...

anyways forget it..well i hope that girl took my advice and is happily unmarried somewhere today....

but i know seeing me going into the international airport with all my 23kgs.+ luggage....my folks are gonna be real worried about me..even if they dont say it...i can see it on their faces abhi se hi...hope i am able to re inforce the faith in them till then ki i can manage things on my own n I have grown up..n whats more importamt I hope they start to trust me and listen to what I actually say n take me seriously....god bless them….

To trust or not to Trust...= To Love or not to Love...

2008-07-14T20:54:00.000-07:00

“Don’t trust anyone”

Know something ? I get to hear this phrase more often than my own name these days..is it that the whole generation is turning into a big time misanthropist or is it just me and the people around me..is there anyone in this world who has not been touched by deceit, betrayal at any stage in his/her life..it might be easier to make sunny deol dance like hrithik than find someone like this….

But I wanna say something on this ‘trust’. I think ki we don’t trust or mistrust anyone deliberately..but after a certain point of time when we come close in any relation. We sub consciously place our trust on that person and we still think that we don’t trust him and we don’t even expect anything of him/her and even if they back stab us tomorrow we wont mind it at all…because we don’t trust him/her..but come to think of it..its a total lie and it will never happen..bcoz trust and faith come free with this package of love ...and no one can help it...

If there is any amount of truthfulness and love in that relation..there will be trust and then there would be an ever boring expectation even if it is a simple one that of the love in return…..and come what may it will hurt to be betrayed…..whenever we are betrayed we feel that pain down there…its just that some people accept it and others keep on hiding it under the shadow of their so called practical nature and insensitive heart…..but somewhere deep down they are pained and scarred and bleeding….and this is even sadder part….because they would never bring out the hurt even it pains like hell and their emotions go dry for everyone..we never forget anyone who hurts us... do we ?

no we don’t….we get to live by it or maybe forget it after a passage of time but we never forget anyone deep down…betrayal gives us a pain that none of us can ever recover from…

Try to sit for a moment and recall all those who have hurt you in your life and then see how many of them have you forgiven in the true sense…means ki do u feel pained and dislike them even today?

Trust is like a silent butterfly which comes and sits on the shoulder of love and care wherever it finds one and spreads its colorful wings and rests in peace and also gives joy to the people involved and they discover a whole new world of friendship, love, trust and many other such beautiful feelings in a very rosy picture painted infront of their eyes…

And then one day the other person silently goes out and grabs the butterfly’s wings so hard that they are powdered and crushed….and yet it may survive it dies a slow and painful death…Pain is a slow process it kills u just as a dying tree loses its every leaf..and just as that butterfly would never be able to fly ever again…the betrayed person would never recover from the shock and pain completely….

Even I have seen it..everytime I meet anyone new or go to a new place..i am reminded of my old pain and agony at the hands of others and then I try to determine myself not to get to close to anyone or to let anyone come dangerously close to me..so that later I don’t have to really feel bad about anything….but like always..i create my boundaries but they are trampled upon and then people just come in and then one day they leave just as they had come but this time they don’t trample the boundary but one more me….and they kill many more feelings within me…its an unending process.which would never stop and I too have thrown up my hands…I cant stop being good to people just because I have been stabbed by few losers in my life…

Though I am very bad at forgiving things and people..but I do try my best….if everyone in this world is so fake then why did god send us down here at all..to experience the hurt and pain.and learn what?

I recall the words from ‘Many masters, Many lives’ by Dr. Brian Weiss …in which he treats a girl by the way of past life regression therapy and she tells him about one her previous lives….out of the 82 lives she had lived till then and she says that she is meant to learn a lesson everytime god sends her on earth and in that life..she says that the lesson was to be more forgiving ..she never forgot any wrong done to her and she always carried grudges close to her heart and never let go of them and she wasn’t forgiving..which she should have been and hence she would keep taking births until she learns that…

I see myself standing in her shoes …..

What a wonderful way to teach lessons to your own kids….god tussi great ho jee…

Everywhere I look..i see people with broken hearts, betrayed in life..for trust, money, faith, love…., people losing their loved ones, people living in such drudgery that they even have forgotten that they are still alive…people ravaged by others misdeeds. Old age homes, orphanages, people who are mentally or physically challenged….

But then I also see a mother sitting on a railway platform holding her child close to her heart to keep her warm in bone chilling cold, looking contentedly with a warm glow on her poverty stricken face at her child sitting happily munching parle-g biscuits unaware of anyone around or any pain or tear..any fear or happiness..in his own world….I see a father holding the tiny hand of his daughter and crossing the road..keeping her on the safer side….i see a son pulling the wheel chair of her physically challenged n paralyzed father....i see a poor old hag sitting and fanning at her popcorn cart…all day long…to earn some money to buy medicines for her ailing husband….

I see all this ..the pain on their faces and the tears that have dried up in their eyes..but I also see the implicit faith and unmeasurable love they have in their heart…for their loved ones….this is something that we all cant see….and we choose to go blind at this point…..

We need to see into their heart a little more…to learn the basic lessons of humanity from them..that we have lost and forgotten somewhere..we all have become so hardened inside that we are unable to feel anything …our minds have started working like robots and we just don’t trust anyone…everyone has faced betrayal once in their lives and have been hurt to the extent that they may have lost their faith but what we actually need to learn is that we are not going to take any of this feelings, friends, foes, any good or bad deed along with us..not even the memories and none of this belongs to us…take it as if we all are simply students of a big class with a huge strength and we have come to this world school to learn our lessons… our parents pack our bags with all the good teachings, traditions and goodwill…..and a bottle of elixir of their love and support that we need to take in when we feel alone and weak…then we move out and get to meet so many people..see a new world…but nothing of this is ours…they are just like medium of teaching us the right way, conduct and lessons..and if some of them will teach us love, care, concern, emotions..then some of them will surely tell us about..corruption, mistrust…hopelessness, darkness….its upto us how we mould ourselves and fare in our life’s exam…whether we learn to draw the line between good or bad….we came alone and in the form of a free, transparent and pure spirit and we will go one day just like that….so better that we travel light and carry no baggage of guilt, hatred, shame, loathing when we go back….

But for all this we need to develop a impartial view and forgive those who have wronged us..and keep our faith and trust people..give them a chance…

As I am writing this post..the ‘heart beat’ theme of kal ho naa ho is serenading into my ears and I feel its so perfect and goes so well with my feelings….it is a heartbeat..that brought us into this world and one day it will only take us away…but it will depend on us..what our heart is full of at that moment….

Better be something better than hatred, mistrustfulness, impassive, insensitive heart….we need to trust..forgive and learn our lessons before the bell goes off and we all have to leave for our abode…trust me if we fail in this life exam we have to come back to give the papers again maybe in the other life….so try to trust my friend…and spread cheer, hope and laughter all the way….that's the only way to feel good….

Look within yourself often and try to decipher what your heart is saying to you..let its voice not be muffled by the voices of people around you….look within for that warmth and glow and happiness you have been seeking and you will be content all your life…..

A fantasy or an escape…

2008-07-02T10:28:00.000-07:00

Whoa! looking at the topic I really feel how far I have come in terms of thinking logically and profoundly…I have finally achieved the feat which people with only white beards and grey hair can really achieve…well jokes apart….i really wanted to type something as I am sitting in the train looking out at the beauty of nature and looking at the rainbow in the sky….needless to say that it is beautiful…now as it is my fast today so I m not taking anything to eat anything means anything that is being served in the train…L but I still think that I should rather make some really good use of my time here instead of casting my evil eye on the co-passengers scavenging their way into the plates...

As I have been looking out of the train window as I always grab the window seat…without fail…well I noticed one thing which I have been observing since quite a long time….i see so many people coming out of their houses, children stopping their game, oldies peeping out of their windows or the youth coming out on their terrace suspending all their present activities to look at the passing train…and as I see this it makes me wonder why is everyone so fascinated by this moving thing called train….

I mean what could be so important to see that you leave your morning sleep, your impending nature calling plans, leaving your tooth brushing and coming out on your balcony to peep out at the passing train…I have always wondered about it but could never fathom the reasons behind all this..and even one more thing that whether this happens only in India or maybe abroad too….

Well there could be different reasons attributed to it..

Somehow I don’t completely blame the onlookers for it because back in my college days I used to turn back every time craning my neck to look at the blue train that used to pass behind our department….it was strange but I had my reasons…we were like a bunch of birdies stuck up in our hostel when we really wanted to go back to the comfort of our houses and looking at the trains I used tot think of the people inside it…some of them traveling away from home for some studies or job away from their loved ones and maybe never to return again, some of them going to visit some family function or maybe after that too….taking the wonderful memories back with them forever, there might have been some army people in them going to or away from their families for us, some of them were going to meet their families and lovers after a long hiatus and it was as if standing so far from the train I could literally feel their joy and excitement brimming over….and I could sense it in the air…

And suddenly all these feelings surging within me transformed that blue train into a moving cargo of emotions and feelings exuding love, affection, care, memories and hopes all of a sudden which could not be contained therein ...it was strange.. but it bestowed a different kind of warmth and wisdom..so it was not only a train for me atleast...
but then I always think in a very animated and different way and I really don’t think someone else will ever even understand me and my weird thoughts…

When I sit in a train..and I see so many onlookers staring at the train to somehow get a glimpse of the compartment within I always have a myriad of feelings rushing through the inner self and before I can register all of them they vanish and then my thoughts drift to something completely different…

well for some of the onlookers it is the scary realization of their financial incapability and that they would never be able to enjoy the comfort of these luxury compartments in their entire lives..for others it might be just a simple way of experiencing the child within and for the rest maybe a chance to let the weird thoughts flow...

some of them just might be wondering about the silly things I used to think about while looking at the train….we have this fascination with the packet of emotions and maybe we only look for escapes from our realities…when I used to feel trapped in my hostel away from my home I and my friends used to wonder that there are such lucky people traveling that train who are so free and lucky to be going to the warmth of their families and their siblings and here we are..sweating it out for the next surprise biochemistry test….

I cant say anything for sure till date but I guess maybe we all want some excuse to get away from our realities and a train is the most common and mundane thing that we get to see, feel and experience everyday or maybe its our fascination with the cute little blue train which moves slithering through miles and taking people to their destinations….

Whatever the reason might be but trains will always remain to be one of my favorite fascination..however old I may grow up to be ..i will still suspend my present activity and crane my neck and strain my eyes to experience the joy and pain of seeing a train pass by….whistling its way into people’s life letting them feel the strange feelings of the passengers within and trying to connect with strange emotions for a fleeting moment….but for the time being i think it is best to keep that child within all of us alive and kicking....

An extreme guide to Big Fat Indian Wedding ….(code name : wallflower)

2008-06-23T00:30:00.000-07:00

I have to admit....i am always in a blog mode. As I went to this wedding party tonight..i was surprised to see how I kept thinking in a blog mode…this is what you call dedication people…you get into its mood and just don’t leave it..bhagwan kare I get into my PhD mood like this and don’t get out of it for the next five years…

I should have gotten used to it by now…as it always happens with me and specially when it is least expected…today I came back late after having a nice outing with my friends and then I got this big shock that I had to go to this party with my mom…now..now..now…my dad was supposed to go for sure but at the very last moment dad ditched us and tricked me into accompanying mom…abhi ek nek, sharif aur obedient, seedhi saadhi bachchi hone ke karan I could not leave my mom alone in all this jeopardy….so bhaiyaa… hua ye finally that I had to go there…

If you have ever been a victim..oops…guest to any of the Indian parties then you’ve probably seen this sceanario more than once…n know what I am saying…so don’t read this any further….

To begin with first things..first I hate parties of any kind and specially wedding parties…I mean yaar…we entered the premises…guys at the door…made to stand to welcome guests but eventually they are making their own setting….checking out all the girls at the very point of entry.clever huh?....after you pass from their custom check there is this mass attack of all the uncles and aunties you have known since the time you wetted your nappies..okay fine..fine I will change it....hmmm..hmmm…since the time you used to lick your thumbs….and dare you not remember them ..its a crime….well I can tell you and you got to stick this sweet poster perfect smile on your face..and check your memory by recognizing the faces of every possible uncle and auntyiji present there..and whats more you even got to recall their names…omg..i mean isn’t it a big deal that we have tried to stuff..all the 20-22 years (hehe… I am not a fool to let out my age so easily so keep guessing…) of stuff, GRE word lists, MBA formulae, BTech curriculum and our own names into our already exhausted grey matters……that we are made to take up this identity test every now and then..and to top it all I really have a shorthand at remembering aunties and uncles..i only remember them if they had any super notorious kids who could even make dalai lama loose his temper and head or if they brought chocolates for us whenever they visited us…on no other grounds can I ever remember any uncles and aunties…no offence meant….i mean c’mon if we have gotten older then you too have changed a lot (read gotten old and wrinkled)

But after lots of practice I have found that one way out of this kinda sticky situation and it is simply to keep smiling and whenever they ask you nod....fevererishly and you’d be half way through…and yes if at all the name game props up then you gotta really pose like a thinking and lost Einstein and say “hmmm—yeah yeah I do remember…. you used to come to our place..and…..hmm..hmmm..” and BINGO this is it..after that they will continue…(trust me 99% this works as they had surely come down…at least once…)

Now then when you finally get off the hook comes the dinner part and that is the most scary..one ..for most of the time you simply keep worrying that someone might just spill the plate over your new dress or the little kids running confused to look for their lost mummies..might drop that ice cream on your shoes and if you are not worrying for that you are trying to make some space for yourself to get that particular kinda dish you see in other’s plate…I mean in most of the parties I have been in I haven’t taken even half the time to eat dinner that I did running around the place to get what I really want….and by the time you finally beat the crowd, heat and congestion to get it….you simply loose your appetite…I mean the guys do look a notch better and humane in their suits and all groomed…(as papa warned and mummy threatened them to finally comb their hair as they would be meeting their parents colleagues there and it was a serious matter of their ‘ghar ki izzat’) but apart from that the dire consequences of someone spilling their plate on you with all the oily food in the world in it is petrifying for me …and not to forget those painted aunties in the corner who are tryin very hard to show off their new saree they bought at exorbitant price and also every little item they bought after they met at the last party..including nail paint, sandals, chintu’s clothes, husbands tie, car etc etc etc...

Sample this:

Mrs. Gupta : arre Mrs. Irani ..where is mintoo..i cant see him anywhere around..hasnt he come today..or what?

Mrs. Irani: no no Mrs Gupta..he is right there getting an ice cream for me as I cant go anywhere near that naa…as u can see the crowd there and my expensive saree from Delhi’s neeta lulla’s store might get blotched up…

And even my sandals (showing her feet with those tacky and maybe expensive sandals on of course…) are paining a little as my beautician did my pedicure a little too hard..

Mrs. Chaddha: hey your sandals look great too? From where did you get them…?

Mrs Irani: oh they were a gift from inse from London on our last anniversary…(if you don’t get INSE..then lemme explain…there is this taboo calling out your husbans name aloud so these indian ladies have made such words as..mintoo’s daddy, ye, aey ji etc. etc..)

All their glaring, shiny, gaudy sarees and heavy makeup can be injurious to your eyes , their gibberish show off talk can lead you to brain haemorrage and their heavy perfume can leave your sense of smell numb from excess shock…

so a statuary warning ..STAY AWAY from them at every cost… *issued in public interest….*

I still believe that the worst affected are the bride and the groom…stuck up there on the stage all hungry and posing for snaps in that heat of the 100 watts bulbs and halogen lights…I mean its sad to even look at them all starved and painted exuding all that happiness and charm of a lifetime as their insides squirm in panic and starvation…for food and freedom that is bidding its last good bye to them…looking at them I feel so fortunate and relieved at the same time….

I mean how can women be so envious of each other all the time..there are around 100 married aunties lurking around and not one would go up to make the girl any wiser about the truth about marriages as she’s all set to be slaughetered ..they are all busy eating and celebrating another additional prey to their community of married women..while the girl thinks innocently that the only side effect of marriage is being qualified to be called aunty even in your 20’s….pathetic…

Then comes those mummies who only attend every party on this earth to look for their prospective daughter-in-laws and they keep x-raying every eligible girl they can lay their eyes on and tactfully getting their pics and their vital statistics and complete biodata..i mean they could have done such a beautiful job as a detective or maybe a journalist but what a waste…sniffing girls at a party for their not so eligible sons…it sucks…

They ask you questions that are just too obvious to everyone except them..

Prying Auntyji: beta you look great tonight…(first sign she likes the girl)

Poor girl (target): thank you aunty..(wondering …arre yaar..ye kaun hain)

Prying auntyiji: so whats your good name beta? (here comes the jackpot question..dont take this easy…this is to know your caste and religion…)

Target: I am Meera (hehe I will not tell you my full name..hehehe)

Prying auntyji: aur beta papa ka name kya hai? (aunty bhi chaalu hai yaar…she will not admit defeat…papa’s name again to know her caste and religion wat else..)

Poor target: Dr. Anil Sharma ( hmm…pandits …wow now she is over eligible..as auntyiji is also a pandit..and of course her idiotic son)

Prying auntyji: what are you doing these days? (this question is to assess the age and occupation and also her academic credentials…ek teer se teen nishaane…did you ever underestimate these innocuous auntyjis..then beware)

Target: nothing much I am doing my MBA from blah blah..

Prying auntyji: hmm..so who all are there at home..and what does your father do?

So it goes like this and bingo..auntyji’s mission accomplished…..and she has already made half of her mind ..then comes the parents talk and then her contacts too…poor girl knows nothing of this while she’s being set up for some unknown idiot who is maybe bunking the boring party to date her gf…

I mean ok..if he would bother to come and we could also have a peek then things would be better and we can also decide the future course…but forget it…I have realized the fact that no intellectual and sensible guys ever attend parties...

I mean this party I attended..had ‘aey ganpat….’ blaring our of its cheap loudspeakers..i mean cmon..dude…koi toh song change karo yaar…they could hire me to play songs I have definitely better choice that this..

This is not all last when I went to a bday party they had the song song ‘maut’ from kaante playing there…the kids were all so morose that they refused their cakes too…

Its high time they censor the songs they play at a gathering…

The cute innocent and decked up kids are not far behind to give you nightmares....they step on your shoes, spill their ice creams and plates on your dress and even wipe their hands on your dress mistaking you for their moms ..n then they also play hide n seek where the food is being served and on the stage too….reckless..moms…I love parties where they have these mickey mouse and other cartoon characters to keep them busy…. Such a huge relief…

in all these years i still havent figured out why does the groom come riding a horse (if at all you call that riding)..the stench of these horses is aweful...anyways...what i have come to conclude is that they want to make him feel like a prince for the first and the last time in his life...well thats very insightful of me...well none of my business..that is i know...

On the whole I really think that gatherings of any sort are a torture for me…not only I am a wallflower at such parties where there are strangers all around you and you have to fake smiles and all..man..i cant take it…I am not anti social but being a extreme social is not my cup of tea…being with friends is the best thing is this world according to me…they make anything bearable and fun…far away from these prying aunties and reckless kids out to ruin your dress all in a conspiracy….

So next time you go to any wedding party then do keep away from aunties and kids and you might enjoy your evening and take your ipod along and find a cornermost chair where no one is sitting…

The worst part is that as I write this blog I see that other card lying on the table…for next week..i am going to co-incidentally plan a movie with frends for that day for sure…if you can think of anything better to evade that then lemme know…I can always use your ideas….

Till then Enjoy your parties….

Though A Strange day.....but while I am here..lemme tell you this is me...

2008-06-22T01:09:00.001-07:00

Nothing else seems to fit in my definition of this day which gives you confused thought about yourself, and life in general….and it is known as birth day…

Now celebrating a birth day has its own implications which i never thought of earlier.....for starters now I am more confused than being happy as to what should I feel when its my bday…I know that it’s life and it has to go on whether u like it or hate it..but with every passing year..things keep on changing with me..earlier when I was a kid I was in such a hurry to grow up ..i used to look at my sister and other elder cousins who had an opinion and knowledge about everything from buying a simple matchbox to buying family car and i was not blind to notice the amount of importance their views and advices were given….one or two times when I could really comprehend what was actually being spoken of I too tried to have my say but it was avoided to the point of being overshadowed with my age and inexperience...so I wished that one day when I would grow up..i would be given importance too…but growing up isn’t that easy…n I overlooked its other repercussions …you have to go out and face this world which isn’t the rosy picture that u paint in your inner innocent mind over years of childhood..its a cruel world out there…we all go out into the world with lots of trust and love and with the thought that we would be loved and remembered by all but as it turns out…we are left numb with its eye opening surprises and shocks of life and its only then we realize that we were so safe under the wings of our parents and in the premises of our own home..where nothing evil could touch us…our hopes and impressions are all shattered about this world and we start to lose trust..all we can have after that comes skepticism to the extent of misanthropism …we do gain experience and our opinions might begin to matter but somewhere inside we become such hardened creatures..unmoved by anything that comes our way….we face betrayals and then only we come to know the real essence of growing up ….its not all that easy….life is not that easy a cakewalk and everyone has to fall once or twice in the potholes that others set up for us on our way to this wisdom….and we learn everything the hard way….we realize that people are not as sweet as we had imagined and do what we may ..our intentions will always be misinterpreted by one or the other and there will always be people who will hate you for even if its for your goodness..bcoz though goodness may need a reason to be appreciated but hatred knows no such rules and some people always find a reason to hate others to criticize them and to bitch about them. It hurts initially to know that despite of being purely innocent there r people who will ridicule, mock, backstab and hate you..but as some more time passes..we all become inured to it and then nothing hurts whatsoever. We overcome all these trivial feelings and concentrate on other aspects..realizing at the same time that..we cant even appease ourselves completely and we all have some sort of deep regrets or unfulfilled dreams which we hide for rest of our lives and time and again justify ourselves ..so its impossible to appease and impress the whole world outside which is looking for its own chances to deprecate you and to bring you down on your knees..the sooner we realize this the better it is for us because this realization also teaches us that we can just be ourselves…and give up on all our pretences and just be pure and honest ..atleast in that way we can feel a sense of completeness and be happy about our being..n start to like ourselves…and also explore our real selves...which was hidden under that veneer of concern for this world and society....

Its my bday today but I don’t know whether to look back and feel happy or to feel sad….I feel happy that I have finally grown up and thankfully also learnt very precious lessons of life the hard way n still came out of it…

However old we may get every year but to leave your safe haven always feels bad and a little uncomfortable to all of us…..as you know you would have no to look back to.. a new place, a new environment and strangers does unnerve you a little but with a heavy heart you go ahead and take your chances and in the end you realize that it was all worth it..and has made you a little more wiser and responsible…letting go of your innocence is a huge loss in my eyes but we have to move on…

Are birth days really meant to be celebrated ? I mean in a way we are approaching near death and we are still happy about it..or are we happy that finally life is coming to its end and so are all its miseries and pains ..and shattered hopes and incomplete dreams and those torn apart relations that left deep scars somewhere inside us…

I am still not very sure whether I should feel happy that I have finally survived through so many years of my life all safe and secure with few goof ups and so many worst case scenarios, should I feel happy to have learnt my lessons well till now ..and for the broken illusions of greatness of this world...and it lovely people...or should I lament on the magnanimous loss of my innocence, my childhood and many relations which I though would last longer than they really did….should I lament for the many beautiful moments full of love, care, pranks and laughter that have been lost in the sands of time and will not come back however I may call out for them…

People will continue to be cruel to you and world will go on indifferently like this…and we will keep breathing like this ..nothing will change except us and maybe on my next birth day I would be an entirely different person.

Apart from all the happiness or sadness we may feel around us i have realized that the most important thing in life is to love oneself and make oneself respectable enough to be loved by us...and thats from where deep happiness begins..we need to first love ourselves before we try to love anyone else...we get upset when someone mocks us...and hates us..but we always forget that we are special and all those people trying to deprecate us are envious of something or the else in us...instead of begin sad we should realize that they do so because try how hard they may they will never be able to become like us and it is this fury of failure within them that drives them to all this ridiculing..but the best way is to overlook such trifling grievances and look at the bigger picture...be happy and try to spread some cheer...and that will make your life worthwhile...if you succeed in wiping even one persons. tears and help them see the light of the day..then u have accomplished your goal...in life...

Trust me nothing feels better than to gift a surprise chocolate or a candy to a street urchin and see that gratefulness on their faces and that twinkle in their eyes….or to help and old lady/gentleman to cross a busy road...try doing it sometime and u'd know what i m talking about...after all enjoy every day …who knows kal kya ho yaar…

life is too short for hating others..so forgive n forget those who hate you coz u will keep brooding like this about them and even worse to please them and then the next mornign you will open your eyes and see that you are 90 and bedridden...dont give this society a damn because they will always snub you for something or the other...reach out to whatever your heart desires and always remember your basic ethics and principles...coz integrity is the foundation of all big achievements....let go of all the hatred and the people who hate you as well and look at life from a new angle and you'd see how beautiful life is and how fair are god's ways....

god's love and light can only touch a pure heart...so purify yourselves ...and love yourselves...

Enjoy day of your life and try to minimize your shortcomings…start smiling..and spread some cheer around..never stop dreaming.. and be positive….thats life..and so it should always be….keep your faith because that is the foundation of any relation in this world..whether it be with god or your earthly acquaintances….

Self exploration is the hardest thing to do but i m on to it...and by my next bday i would make a headway into it even further.....but till then i will try and live every day to the fullest.... till then ciao...

PhD= Piled Higher and Deeper...arre toh Pehle kyun nai bataya....??

2008-06-02T01:47:00.000-07:00

Some gyani on Orkut dictionary has rightly said PhD stands for Piled Higher and Deeper...and I could not agree more.. ..today morning as i stood looking at myself in the mirror..i was so painfully brought back to the reality..of starting my Phd ..i mean looking at my chirpy and happy-go-lucky n cool kinda image that i have adorned for years now.... i never feel as if i will ever fit into that nerdy, studious and no nonsense only studies kinda persona..its too heavy for me yaar....when I was young i used to take phd as nothing less than a stigma which literally kills your happiness and murders your overall personality by crushing it under the heavy tome of books and research papers...i mean look at this word research..trust me it sounds funny to me..Re-Search..i mean what is the point in re- searching something when it has already been searched...beats me to it...thats why these poor scientists are so confused..like i already have the first absolute sign of a good scientist...thats my confusion...
There is no denying the fact that i have loved every moment after I received my admit letter/letters from US of A...I was so elated about going to Amrikka that I almost forgot the second part and that was the most vital one..and it read PhD. In the mean while my parents were partying at the very thought of their darling daughter going for a PhD.It only occurred to me after few weeks of of my vacation on the eleventh cloud...in any case I am still little overjoyed at the prospect of going to AMrikkaaa...well Phd toh hoti hi rahegi..

.i feel that it would have been so much easier to discover new things in the earlier times..i mean..you keep sitting under an apple tree and a falling apple leads you to a discovery...sounds great to me...but whenever i have tried to develop my critical thinking skill at times..whatever i found novel was already patented by someone else years before..So i have begun to feel that either i have come in very late into this world when all the mysteries of existence have been solved or that my critical thinking skills are too low a stage to be reclaimed critical at all......I am all the more worried about my mentor...who should be saying his last prayers had he known me that well...i mean when everything has been researched upon then what am i doing going into this...
I have to admit that I have been into some serious research ( see this is the first symptom of PhD Patient ..frequently using ..term 'Research' even if referring to have found a pin on the couch) on America...well so much that I could give some serious competition to Mr. Obama...or maybe the best travel agent of America....I have a fairly good idea of the malls, Amusement parks and rivers and beaches and the routes and roads and trains and flights to the good worthwhile destinations of Amrikkaaa...including Disneyland...the other day my dad wanted to know whether i have still checked out the class schedule and the syllabus and i was suddenly looking haywire like some idiot who has suddenly got amnesia and no more know the meaning of syllabus and classes....my dad was not so pleased.....and my sister nearly fainted when she heard that I was giving due thought to another admit from a univ. in Kansas state...as according to her it lies in the central Low lands with no beaches and good places around...then I had to convince her that no I was not going to Kansas and she can breath in peace....man seems like i am going for a five year long vacation instead of Phd....good lord..what has this generation come to..? she was even against applying to any such univ. where there werent enough good tourist places...as it meant a serious setback to our plans of world tour...with my family...after i get there...but i somehow managed to apply because she had to leave for her univ. in between...
I went to a research lab last week to face the bitter facts of my upcoming life and to have a tryst with the lab work and its captives....now having your parents in research does have its own set of perks firstly, you dont have to stick to the drab, dull, and boring dressing style and I went there almost dressed as if I was already in America...if you haven't been to a lab then lemme tell you wearing colorful and funky t-shirts and jeans is almost a taboo till date ..you need to look the role..with colorless clothes which have to be ill fitting and if you have a thick frame dadaji waala specs on your eyes then you are a perfect fit for the lab and the obvious pride of any mentor..n means a direct entry into the institute...otherwise even the guard at the main gate will ask you hundred questions and scan you before letting you in. like they always do to me unless i m accompanying my parents....(hopeless guards.....hats off to their short term memories)...now the first thing that really grabs my attention is the faded, dull and off-colored painted buildings looking at which seems like community people got it painted with the charity money..and did a huge favor for it...or like the neighboring buildings all conspired against it so that they could outshine it any time......and the interiors which constitute of nothing more than apparatuses, instruments and no wonder the wallpaper is made of the numerous publications that you have earned over years...and it completely depends on you how well you can cover those off white walls with your published works....i knew all this and hence i wore my usual bright colored clothes to keep up my liveliness through all this trust me and everyone stared at me as if someone had just ruined there last experiment setup and most probably it was me.....but the moment they come to know my dad is a hotshot scientist there...they seemed so amiable and warm at once.....and if they knew that i was the one going to USA...they would shower all their courtesies on you plus invitations to lunches to educate their kids for GRE n TOEFL n all....man... what hypocrisy...after the image thing well the lab experience was just as boring as any Subhash Ghai's movie which seems to go nowhere and leads you to NIMHANS in case you survive the whole movie...but i have to say that there is one big difference in his movie and in research labs..at least you get to see good faces in his movie like Hrithik and all...but if you even by any chance expect that in a lab then my friend you are sadly, seriously and depressingly mistaken...well every time there was a knock at the lab's door i didnt even care to bother my muscles and turn around..because it had to be someone past their primes and no TDH guys from hollywood or daniel steele novels...i mean a lab is not a place for a person who appreciates beauty of any kind...trust me on this...
thats when i realize what serious research is all about...though there were some young guys and girls there..who were trainees there but looking at them made me feel as if they were returning from some 'namesake noon show' or they were dumped by their respective girlfriends and boyfriends for someone better than them...n i dont blame them for this dumping act...
I am glad for one thing in my life that even for research then I am off from here where atleast there is no specific dress code and even facial expression code..you are supposed to literally whisper in a lab and always talk science and have to look serious....otherwise you are not good enough...and the center might cancel your fellowship too...in case you even look light hearted....or non serious types...and plus in case you are infront of a computer you gotta always look for research papers and not enrique's n rihanna's latest songs download as I always do without fail ....
Well having said enough I have to say atleast I have this one charm of going to America and i just hope that the researchers and trainees out there are a little cool, funky and alive....
Keeping my fingers crossed..and with this i gotta sign out...as right now i can see my books kneeling, cringing and begging for my little attention which they hardly get these days....i guess i should oblige them for now..before ramlal* finds his way to them...
so my dear books..here I come... :)

Ramlal* : in case you don't know...ramlal is my cute little fellow rat who comes on a flying visit to our house at times...in order to find something worthwhile to nibble...and to give some exercise to our neighbor's fat n lazy n good for nothing cat...

Reality sucks and so does Ekta K....damn mahabharat

2008-06-01T23:55:00.000-07:00

This post is a serious consequence of being denied of my weekly dose of Mtv roadies....I can't explain my urge to kick the hell out of our cable wallah..that jerk has been showing B.R.Chopra's mahabharat on his local channel..coinciding with my roadies show..and I have been obviously denied the right to watch it as my dad is an ardent fan of this serial..which he has already seen five times before...I mean I have been thinking of ways to get this thing solved..:

1. dont pay the cable wallah when he comes up next and that would result in no connection and I can hence plead for the tata sky or something....which has no local channels..thank god...
2. I could ask for a second TV which sounds a little far fetched..as of now..that i am also leaving...and my mom doesnt know shah rukh from hrithik....
3. ask raghu to shift the roadies time slot..which is again not an easy possibility...
4. buy my dad the full set of the mahabharata DVD's...which is not possible at this time..but i promise i will do it this fathers day for sure....
5. the easiest one seems like the idea of getting hold of the cable wallah n punching him hard and asking him to stop this torturing telecast....

Why the hell did i ever put that tv remote there on couch an easy target...it had been all mine had it not been for the call from my friend asking for my gre books...grrrr....cudnt she call some other time....ruined my evening....trust me i feel like i m going to a movie theater every time i feel like watching anything on TV which is so rare...but even though i watch only weekly these news channels never get transmission problems and besides it beats me to think what my dad watches in the news..i mean the newspaper is a better option and to tell you the fact these news channels can only give you a headache from khali news or a depression talking about the accidents and other less fortunate things and people and terrorism .. ..in any case i need to book my time slot from morning for the 7 p.m. show...or capture the seat and the remote from two hours before...and then too if i succeed by misake then my dad comes to ask me "beta tumhara show finish ho gaya kya?" atleast 100 times in a 60 min. show......but as nothing has worked for me today so i m sitting here and typing out my frustration....
To vent out my frustration...well what else better than using the reality shows as my punching bag...I mean hats off to the creative directors of these reality series...they have managed to cover up every age group capable of speaking or enacting their written scripts with full on melodrama...I mean next time we will be seeing the reality show on toddlers who would sing their goo-gaa-gaa-maa-moo and they would compete with each other on how fast they lap up milk from their bottles or how fast they fill their nappies...(the last one sucks..i know the nappy thing..but just because you have grown up doesnt mean you can feel pathetic about nappies...ok...not fair)
I really dont understand how people can actually fall into such traps and I have some serious grievances from the participants who know the truth about these series but still fantasize themselves to be coming out as the next amitabh bachchan and A.R. Rehman of the century with fame and money kissing their feet....i still dont know whether the first indian idol sang any more songs other than his own albums and many weddings and parties where he got free khana and photos...and so is with the rest of them..i dont even recollect their names any more...I am sure their lives are going more than normal right now...so much for that five minutes of fame..on TV...my god...few days back as i was browsing the channels to find Mtv i saw this family dance show where everyone was dressed like they were just going to prince charles wedding bash and then they started shaking and I thought that an earthquake had hit the place rocking it but it was only after some time that i realized that they were trying to dance..i mean everyone was going in their own directions..the PYT ...that is the wives had a gala time getting the best dresses and makeup man and all the attention while my heart went out to the odd 60 plus old nani's and dadi's trying to shake their arthritis affected knee and cursing everyone from their sons to the director to even the judges on the show under their breath......for their missed Blood Pressure medicine and their pathetic make up man and their gaudy/tacky dresses which hardly provide them space to breathe....and at the same time rendering their cataract worn eyes blind...one of them actually was near blind....what else could be the reason for her constant bumping against her grandson....poor thing....
Ekta kapoor - one of my favorite topic of worthless discussion....i have been thinking of suing her for mental harassment, depression, tension and visual torture ...thank god no one at my home watches her shows..but the sound of it from our neighbours TV is enough to drive me crazy....the best thing she has ever done in her life is to start her own exclusive channel that leads to a complete K-torture serials at one place and u dont have to avoid every channel just to evade her....no one frets on missing her episodes because even if you see it after a one year gap you would instantly know whats going on because nothing actually goes on in there...yeah you do get to see some latest fashion trends in the vamp makeup and dresses....and you might find it difficult to know who has recently come back from death and who is who...cmon ekta aunty this death and comeback trick abhi purani ho gayi ....try something new now..
But the news channel still top the list of the best chef in the world...kya solid pakate hain ye boss....they really make an excellent bheja fry...the recent news items on these channels will make you literally whimper, cringe and beg due to excruciating boredom...to spare us for a chance...
Khali..their latest whizkid on the block..he certainly would come to know a lot of new things about his own past if he just watched their channels daily...for which i m sure he has no time or intellect...recently i heard that..he is gonna act in movies..now thinking of his roles..well besides a sabu in a chacha chowdhary flick or maybe a dumb bodygaurd..except that he doesnt fit into any kind of picture....i mean guys he cant even spell his name ....i hope the directors are not even dreaming of giving him any dialogues....
Then I have to say that looking at the growing popularity of these pit-falling-children..for once even I was tempted to dig up a pit for myself and get into it..but as the summers approached this idea lost all the charm...I mean I am sure it would'nt be very nice sitting 50 ft down without an A.C. ...and besides i was also ready to take up my stock of bisleri to prevent dehydration....but I have suspended the plan till next winters....
well that way I would also come to know of all my well wishers...and get lots of good wishes and ashirwads from every senior citizen of this India to last me a lifetime and maybe for the next birth too...
What beats me is the fact that there are so many silly people watch these soaps and bear with all that bitching and scripted catfights and all that two inch thick make up covered ladies and gents too...and the immortal Baa and tulsi and apart from that the crooning indian idols..who are trying to imitate bryan adams in a live show in London....their nasal sounds which makes horrible listening and those glycerine tears on being voted out which ruins and smudges their two inch thick makeup and makes for tortured viewing...man how can people tolerate this all and still stay alive to vote for them..if spending your brain and precious time on this was not good enough they even spend money on them....man.....ekta kapoor should start giving out bravery awards to her channel loyal viewers....if any of them are still alive....
last night india tv news..oops gossip channel was showing a video of an alien.which they claim.....only they could get hold of..now when the whole country is having nightmares about the fuel price hike these people are trying to scare us with these godforsaken aliens..I mean who cares even if they come and dance on our heads right now...fuel prices are what we really do care about .....i mean the alien came to this earth just to say 'hello' to these india tv people peeking from their window....n then ran back just in time before they could trap and torture him with their senseless questions.....c'mon guys ..gossip hi sahi but koi toh level rakho yaar...these made up stories and touched up videos suck big time....
and in any case if you really think that what was done to me today by not letting me watch my roadies was fair or unfair you can always sms 'FAIR' OR 'UNFAIR' and your name to *420*
and one lucky winner will get to win a brand new DVD of all the episodes of ekta's serials and a full news compilation on KHALI ... and if they till survive the shock then also india tv chanel subscription absolutely free for life.....
So hurry...and try your luck (read bad luck)..our phone lines are now open and will remain open till we get atleast a single entry...and trap that person...wicked no...

Concerning the previous post title...

2008-06-01T11:24:00.000-07:00

Well its not that I could not write this in the first post but I am not exactly Jagdish Gandhi who would go on killing people of damn boredom shooting from my drowsy blogs....Neither am I some ved vyas or kalidas writing some epics ki I have to write such long posts...I can only write what I can actually sit and read peacefully and not criticize and abuse the author for the painful length killing and otherwise interesting article...now... this shows my great understanding of human psychology.....
Now I was so much concerned about my previous post title...'hmm..thinking of my topic' which seriously suffers from every possible symptom of confusion and screwed up syndrome...I mean its not for the first time this is happening to me ...in fact I am such a tyro at confusion that sometime I even confuse people around me and they really cant make out whether they really feel that they are some super duper screwed up scientist from somewhere who doesnt know what he is looking for after looking for it for last ten years and after having written tomes about that 'thing' he is looking for.....and on top of that if you ask him after those ten years of re-search..he would stand up and scratch his white mane...(provided he has any hair left after so much of scratching) and look at you as if you as if you have just landed from mars....
In fact till i was 14 I was still confused whether or not my parents picked me up from cycle stand infront of the hospital..as my sister always told me..i mean she took full advantage of my innocence ()read confusion) since childhood and the fact that no one ever said that i resembled any of my close family members......thanx to my numerous relatives who have since then testified against this false allegation...and instilled my faith in the family system..in fact to pacify me then they even sat together and tried to play match the following with my facial features with my Paternal and maternal aunts and uncles and it seemed like I was made by severely confusion afflicted creator who picked one feature from everyone of my living or dead relatives and put the pieces together in a haste ..and resulted in a jigsaw puzzle with nose like my bua and eyes like my nani and forehead and ears like my mausi and rest from the remaining ones....actually what pained me was not that my sister used to tease me with her conjured up ' picking-up-thing-from-cycle-stand' theory as i considered myself lucky to be the one picked up and living in such luxury...and not even with the fact i didnt resemble any of my parents...but I was more annoyed with the cycle stand angle...had she said car stand i would have lived my earlier years of my life in much more peace and not behaving like some public litigation lawyer always asking my relatives and parents to stand up and testify in my favor...
anyways done with that and won the case as well as it turned out that my sister had done all this in order to seriously tease me...infact jealousy....as i was the latest bundle of joy for my parents and took away all the spotlight from my dear sister...
Back in my hostel I was always confused about what to wear to college...and as a result i imitated others to iron my t-shirt at night itself so that I could arrange for 10 more minutes of sleep in the rush morning hours and then when my friend walked out of room to brush i was ironing another one and when i finally got ready i was wearing something entirely new from the previous two and my friends were like seriously irritated....I mean you call this a free country where one cant even change ones clothes without inviting comments from ones friends....sometime there needed to be a fourth replacement as well...
My stories of grand confusion does not end here...as i have even confused with people ending up in such goofed up situations..that my companions chickened out ashamed of my confused intelligence and often refused to acknowledge me as their friend or even acquaintance....once i confused my college student to a 'bhaiyyaji' of our small co-operative store in the campus and one more time when i took another one to be the ice cream vendor .....but in both the cases it wasn't entirely my fault as both of them completely looked the part and besides proctors repeated warnings were not wearing their id cards that was their only proof of being qualified as students...apart from their disheveled and unkempt looks.....and secondly I never really got what the first guy was doing behind the counter and the other one sitting and relaxing one the vendors cycle seat...

In fact as I write this down I actually realize how much severely has this confusion syndrome affected me in my life and i suddenly thinking of any doctor who cures this confusion....i hope this is not a degenerative disease that gets worse with age..because ten years down the lane i dont really want to be confusing my neighbors life-partner to be mine nor i actually want to imagine a scene where I take couple of my niece n nephews to a nearby park and return with an entirely new set of kids (meaning someone else's kids...) I dont really think such a situation is going to be any prettier..so I need to do something about this urgently....everyone and anyone who thinks that I need urgent treatment..can lemme know and your suggestions would be highly valued and welcome just like the holiday homework for summer vacations....

Hmm..thinking of my topic...

2008-06-01T10:33:00.000-07:00

Now, that I am first time blogger...well not exactly because i deleted my previous blog because..I myself hated it and it didnt qualify for a blog in the first place...and secondly I think I didnt want anyone to read what I wrote in it.....Now.... Now...Now.. rather than trying to conjure what possibly could have been there in my deleted blog i guess it would be better if dear reader you please concentrate on the present entry so that I can know whether it is good enough or not...
First glance at this blog and you would guess easily without any hints that its a girl author penning it down..I still don't really know why i chose this cute rosy pink template for my blog. I did'nt choose black because I don't want to pen down my beautiful life experiences in the shadows of dark( how profound was that...). And no that total ujala white doesn't go down too well with me....and besides i didn't wan tit to look like a memo of peace on a white piece of paper from Osamaji to our PM (manmohan ji or soniya ji ..cant really say who is it...and besides if I tell you everything where from will you get your daily brain twisters to reflex your brain muscles)

Though, I have been always ridiculed for my bent towards pink..I still dont believe that out of the 20 jumpers and sweat shirts I bought for myself from varied sales majority are a variation of the shade of pink also my shoes and my towels and bedsheets.....(Normally i dont get to buy 20 jumpers at a time but going abroad for your studies on a scholarship comes with its own perks...trust me).....Lately my mausi pointed it out to me that I had purchased nothing but Pink in majority...just like the Behenji's majority votes in Uttar Pradesh general elections.(stop re-reading the behenji part..now don't tell me that you are not aware who behenji is ?...well then she is our revered CM..Ms. Mayawati) ...and the other day my little cousin and my dear friend again pointed out to me quite painfully that I have but too many of those pink T-shirts in my collection....now all I am short of is a pink trousers...like the one which Govinda or maybe Salman wore or maybe both wear (Now I know for sure that you know who they are..pathetic G.K. yaar...) and my dad and mom sneer at me everytime I gape at a pink chevrolet going down the road and my eyes chase it till it disappears from sight...and recently they have even violently opposed my proposition of buying one of these cute cars.... I still cant forget how they opposed my innocent proposal like some act supporting dowry in Lok Sabha.... Strange are the ways of parents at times....

Coming back to my template color...I am still not sure whether to go ahead with the same color or to change it..
I have never quite understood why people call pink color as so feminine..but still I feel proud of the middle aged uncles whose wife's dominance in household matters forced them to buy the pink chevrolet which they were forced to drive in open public view as if they were being punished for sleeping late on sundays ...by their respective wives..or maybe denying them their credit card for shopping.....nevertheless i feel sorry for all you uncles at the same time who are trying to sink down into their driving seats so that their neighbor wouldn't see them or maybe their neighbor's wife...you can never be so sure.... not to forget those desperate brothers who have to go out on a date and they have no conveyance of their own..and have to barely manage with their sis's pink scooty which could be due to two reasons...
1. their sisters scored a higher percentage in their exams and mummy daddy just couldn't refuse her that cute pink two wheeler...
2. they are the typical mumma's boy who just couldn't muster enough courage to ask for a bike of their own and had to use their mummy's pink scooty in return of all the goodness...
I am sure they must be cursing the manufacturers...for the color pink of a scooty...
and poor domestic helps who are anyways tortured to run errands on their chhoti memsaab's pink ladybird with a sweet basket in the front... well sorry guys you have no other option than that...
But come what may my sympathies go out with all these above mentioned people and talking of actual sympathies then I have a confession to make...
I want to tell you that till date I considered myself as quite a good speller and a GRE qualifier at that too..and others even regard me highly for that ..specially my colony children who think that their NEW favorite didi is going to get them chocolates all the way from Amrikaa..well children are so innocent....but the amount of red jagged lines I see on this page under the words really puts my GRE score report to shame...Had it not been for the automatic spelling checker then maybe even I would not have been able to understand what I wrote when I logged in tomorrow night...I feel so bad about it...but one has to admit her faults and that is from where modesty begins and if you are trying to go up again and re read the trash to catch my spelling mistakes then lemme tell you that its a waste of time because I have already rectified my spelling mistakes with the help of the prompt spellings that this writing software gives me in the popping window....hehehe...so read further if you have survived the severe blow of my drowsy blog till this point...
I wonder how much could I write about my cutie shweetie Pink...I wonder if I should become the official ambassador of pink color for India where this color is highly underrated and under respected except by our Behenji who's favorite color is pink and believe it or not her bday bash had everything done in pink ..from her expensive pink gemstone necklace, to her suit , to her footwear and to her cake and all the confetti and streamers...and also the cutlery was bought in pink...but her cabinet officials did feel the blues after seeing the bills of her bday later... ..(hmm..well I am not too sure whether under respected is any legally approved word in oxford dictionary )..waise come to think of it who says that under respected cant be a word who approves or disapproves all this..even if i translate hindi directly into english and say slowly-slowly instead of dheere dheere..then who can question me for it.... tell me...

But apart from all this please forgive all my apostrophes and spellings and wrong grammar...and the hopeless ones for which even this auto error detect software could not fine a replacement.....I will try to improve on it but till then please be patient with my English or maybe Hinglish or maybe no english at all...
god bless the girl/guy who made this software with auto spell detect...

When I am already on to it then i really gotta think about this title of my blog..My life through my eyes...if you give it a thought..I just wanted to stick to the word life because you believe it or not the sole usage of this four letter word gives any article a lot of weight and gravity and a feeling of profundity ..even though your blog may not use this word in the very first blog written under it.....but thinking of the title as I could not think what else could be written and Life was too short just in itself and more importantly the blogsite would just not leave this word in the available slots...(everyone before me has gotten away with the easiest title..hmmphhh...) so I thought why not see 'through my eyes' primarily because no one else is interested in looking at or into my life at all and why should anyone be..my life is not some distant hidden planet revolving space which is madly looked for by every precious white haired scientist at NASA...but to tell you the truth the title is making lesser and lesser sense to me with every passing moment...even a Kindergarten student can suggest me a better name..but I dont have any cousins or neighbors from KG who could help me out so I have to go with this for the time being...if you have any better ideas then they are more than welcome....